So you know what’s really really boring? Listening to people talk about their diets and workout plans and weight loss goals and OMG this new dance-yoga-spinning-butter-churning class they just signed up for at the gym. So I apologize in advance for this post.

I have never ever been good at dieting. That’s not to say I’ve never been SUCCESSFUL at dieting, I’m just not very good at it. My strategy has always been more exercise, not less dessert, which worked well for me when I was 20, after this I even tried some appetite suppressants from West Word which help me a lot with this. It’s not hard to find time for yet another class at the gym when your biggest problem in life is finding an after-hours bar because a 2 am last call is, like, SOOOOOO lame.

Then, BAM, I got married and spent all my time sitting on a couch instead of at those 7 am Saturday Pilate’s classes. And then, BAM, we moved away from the land of bathing suits and tank tops to Connecticut, where big, baggy sweatshirts are acceptable attire 7 months of the year. And then, BAM, I had a baby and everything that used to point up pointed down and things that used to go in go out and everywhere from my toes to my earlobes streeeetched and now I am without hope.

I could say I’ve been trying to get back in shape for a while now, but that would be mostly false. Sure I joined Stroller Strides and have shown up for class three days a week almost every week since October but trying is too strong of a word for my participation. I’ve doing more strolling than striding. But with Baby Evan’s first birthday on the horizon and my pre-pregnancy jeans still totally unbuttonable it is time to buckle down and DO THIS. And since writing about it on the internet is the best way to make sure as many people as possible hold me accountable, here’s THE PLAN:

1. Attend Stroller Strides at least 5 days a week (and not half-ass my way through the hour).

2. Drink a lot more water and a lot less soda – even the diet kind.

3. Stop buying candy since I am totally incapable of eating a reasonable amount as a treat instead of an entire bag as dinner.

4. Eat breakfast every day.

5. Weigh myself on Saturdays to keep my goals on track.

I know if I tried I could make THE PLAN much more ambitious. If it comes down to it I can put myself on the totally no fun no days off no will to live diet that would get results but also make me a cranky miserable bitch for a few weeks, although it would mean I can go back to just maintaining my weight sooner. It also might mean my husband and child never speak to me again. It’s a hard decision.

Stay tuned for fascinating and enthralling updates and possibly a photo that will scare you out of having children forever. As soon as I have an after (or a middle, or a one seventh of the way through, or a ANY IMPROVEMENT AT ALL) photo to share, I fully intend to post them both. And if you don’t delete me from your bookmarks after that threat, you have no one to blame but yourself. Also, I love you.

The loud noise is coming from my baby. The background noise is his father encouraging it.

Before I was a mom I thought the idea of signing with your kids was sort of silly. I mean, shouldn’t a one year old be focusing on learning WORDS instead of waving his hands around to tell you he needs his diaper changed? But now I have a kid, and my kid has NEEDS. Needs and WANTS. He wants things like the one specific block that’s over there. No, there. NO. THERE. NOOOOOOO NOT THAT ONE THE ONE WITH THE DOG HAIR NO NO NOOOO WAAAAAAAAAAH. And then there’s the frantic shirt pulling and grabbing when he wants to nurse. I’d really rather he learn the sign for “milk” than continue to do what can only be described as motorboating my boobs when he’s hungry (Dear Mom, please don’t ask what that means).

So on Thursday, Baby Evan and I started our Sign, Say & Play class with Miss Amy at Papoose. It’s a small class and I have to admit part of why I signed up was I already know the three other moms participating. I think they’re super awesome and my goal is to end up as more than just class friends. It’s definitely easier to stalk them at an organized group than by “accidentally” bumping into them in their driveway. AHA JUST KIDDING. Getting caught in someone’s driveway is a rookie stalker move. And now they think I’m nuts. Great job, weirdo.

Baby Evan is actually a little young to mimic any of the signs yet but I’m hoping that an early start will get us on the right track. He is…a hard child to keep focused. It doesn’t help that he spends most of the hour crawling towards the far corners of the room as fast as possible and refuses to sit anywhere near the group circle. He is a really, really, REALLY active child – his favorite game is “Attack of Babyzilla” where I lie on the floor and make “oh no you’re so strong!” noises while he climbs all over me – and shows no interest in slowing down for cuddles, let alone long enough to learn hand motions. Luckily, E is on board with the signing so Baby Evan is getting reinforcement from both parents any time he wants “more” or “milk” or is “all done” (Can you tell our first week was food/feeding signs?) We have five more weeks of class as well as a book and a DVD my friend Amanda gave me to work through, so my goal is to know all the signs we might use on a daily basis (hungry, bed, wet, dog, cat, more, milk, please, thank you, mama, dada, etc.) (no, not the SIGN for et cetera, just more every day signs I can’t think of right now) (I wonder if there even is a sign for et cetera) before Baby Evan is a year old. Then I have to remember to USE THEM.

Do you sign with your baby? How old were they when they “got it?”

One of the things I like best about my iPhone (OH DIDN’T YOU KNOW? I GOT AN IPHONE. MAYBE I FORGOT TO MENTION IT.) is the camera/video recorder. I loving being able to take a photo and upload it to Twitter or Facebook without having to mess with the cord and the laptop and resizing. I think Mormor (Grandma in Swedish) also likes that feature, especially when it means she gets to see a picture of Baby Evan standing for the first time only two minutes after it happened. I’m gonna get his first steps on tape any day now, so expect some shaky, joyful scream filling footage sometime next week.

(Isn’t technology awesome? Think about how far we’ve come since we were kids, what with the film and the developing and postage stamps? I bet by the time Baby Evan has his own Baby Baby Evan he’ll just think “Hey Mom should see this” and whatever he’s looking at with be automatically transmitted directly into my brain. Um, actually that’s kind of creepy. Never mind. Let’s just stick with iPhones.)

ANYWAYS, one of the apps I have is Hipstamatic. I’ve had tons of fun with it this week. Here’s what it does:

Oooo Vintagey!

They baby chews the toy, I chew the baby.

Yo, sup yo? I'm chillaxin'.

Two wild and crazy guys!

Angelic

As if the sweatsuit wasn't already enough like 1970.

One more day, and I still haven't eaten the baby. Can I have a cookie?

Baby Evan was born on Sunday, April 5th and every Sunday since I’ve taken a picture to mark one more week of growth. Since it took 40 weeks (and 5 days) to grow the baby, I thought 40 weeks was a good point to put together a slide show of his life so far.

(Confession: I’m also getting really bad about taking a photo on the right day and figure I’d better do this before I totally forget a week and he notices some day. Like, “Hey Mom, why are weeks 46 and 51 missing from my baby book?” “Well Son, that’s because Mommy didn’t love you as much once she had to live with you for that long.” KIDDING.)

(Warning: I got all fancy with my slideshow so there’s music in the background. Make sure you mute your speakers if you’re someplace where watching baby photo slideshows isn’t part of your job description. Or if country music makes your ears bleed.)

(Also, apparently I’m too stupid to figure out how to embed a slideshow in my site so you’ll have to click through to view it. I’ve spent every nap time for the past TWO DAYS trying to figure this out and it’s time to just call it good enough despite my overwhelming desire to redo the whole thing with a FOURTH program. I also don’t want my kid’s first words to be “work dammit!” So you’ll just have to click.)

From 40 Weeks of Baby Slideshow