It doesn’t look like much from the side – I’ve always been very narrow front to back – but it feels ginormous. The weirdest part is how much it DOESN’T just feel like being fat or having a food baby. Fat sits on top of your stomach and hangs over your jeans. This bump starts all the way down at my hip bones and slopes out.

Like I said, from the front I’m definitely pregnant! This is my fancy new pregnancy belly button ring, thanks to whoever suggested them in the comments. The bar is flexible medical-grade plastic and I have a longer one for when my belly gets bigger.

I also need to say thank you to random extra-nice Walmart cashier who looked at my paint rollers and said “Oh painting the nursery is so much fun! My husband and I ended up covered in paint but it was such a special time preparing for the baby.” I love you, Walmart cashier, for recognizing I was pregnant and sharing the happiness with me. You win the first person to do that award!

Apparently my baby is an amazing bowler. Last night I beat five people – including my uber-competitive-better-at-everything-doesn’t-know-the-meaning-of-the-word-lose husband – at bowling. I have never in my life been that good. The last time I went actual bowling was years ago and I really don’t think playing Wii gives you that much real life ability. So I’m going to give Tiny Evan the credit for my new skills. For a kid that hasn’t even been born yet, my baby is AWESOME.

And thanks to everyone for the heads up on the soy issue. I did an online search and couldn’t find anything concrete, so I’ll be sure to ask my doctor on Thursday.

Dear Fellow Pregnant People,

Please promise me right now you will not so much as LOOK at a scale between now and three months after you give birth. I am trying to save you from the pain I experienced this morning, when in a fit of insanity I decided to find out just how much weight I had gained. I actually haven’t been that hungry lately, and with the nice weather I’ve made it to the gym multiple times. My maternity clothes haven’t been getting any tighter and when I Googled images of “20 weeks pregnant” (but for the LOVE OF GOD, if you do, turn on safe search) I was amazed at how much bigger everyone’s bump was. I thought it would be nice to know I wasn’t in danger of getting a talking to from my doctor on Thursday, warning about the dangers of excess weight gain.

I WAS SO WRONG. I cannot believe how wrong I am. Ridiculously wrong. I can’t even tell you how much I’ve gained, it’s far far too embarrassing. Unless my baby is a large bowling ball, I have no excuse or explanation. The bacon thing ended months ago. I’ve lost my sweet tooth. I’m eating fruit and vegetables and chicken. There is soy milk in my fridge!! I swear if I wasn’t pregnant I’d be down five pounds instead of up [enter ridiculous number here]. Now instead of gloating when they weigh me on Thursday, I’m going to ask the doctor if there’s something wrong with me, or if I need to worry. Worry about the baby’s health I mean, there is no point in worrying about myself. The chances of ever wearing shorts or –  heaven forbid – a bikini again are about the same as my chances of becoming the Queen of Sheeba.

Please take my advice!
XOXO
Suzanne

Today was cold and rainy. I accidentally got paint on E’s favorite hoodie. I realized it’s going to take at least two coats to cover the blue trim in my hallway and probably more for the dark green trim in the guest room. I do not have any rollers, so even though tomorrow will also be cold and rainy I will have to go to the hardware store. The takeout I ordered for dinner wasn’t very good. And to top it all off, today was the first day of duty E’s had to work since last spring. Duty means he leaves at 6 am – and doesn’t come home. He’ll probably be back tomorrow night. Under normal circumstances I can handle one night alone out of every 4. But now that I am pregnant, uncomfortable, grumpy and slightly paranoid about things that go bump in the night, this really really sucks.

Update: I also feel the need to add that I spent the last four hours half watching tv and browsing the kids&baby section of every Craigslist within a 100 mile radius. I had to take off one my of brand new “comfortable” bras because it pinches when I slouch, so I’m currently wearing the above mentioned hoodie (unzipped) and my baby belly is blocking my use of the left-click button on my laptop. It may be a good thing E’s not here, this is not a pretty sight.

One of the thing I’ve completely failed at during this pregnancy is sleeping on my left side. I wake up every morning flat on my back, terrified I have given my baby brain damage or cut off circulation to a limb or two. But the only other comfortable position is to sort of lie on my stomach, which somehow seems much worse. I don’t want to give birth to a Flat Stanley because I was too lazy to buy a body pillow to prop my stomach up. Plus when I lie on my stomach the baby gets all pissed off and rolls around kicking and wiggling to make me move. Sometimes I lie on him on purpose, just to make sure he’s still paying attention.

I actually looked it up this morning – to make sure I wasn’t REALLY squashing my baby – and the answer was “Sleep however the heck you want”. Not even a word about the super-dangerous back sleeping.

Bonus baby info: The baby doesn’t really kick the way you imagine kicking. Other people described it like having butterflies in your stomach, but I waited and waited for butterflies and didn’t get any. When my baby moves, it feels like missing a step on the stairs or going over a hill on a roller coaster. The big movements take me by surprise every time.