The Eternal Question

Some people wonder if there is a God.

I wonder why in the name of God it takes men so long to crap.

When does this phenomenon start, exactly? I know for a fact my toddler can squeeze one out in the 15 seconds between “Mama! Potty!” and dragging him into the bathroom. BAM. Instant poop. And yet wives everywhere are standing by the door for 20 minutes, holding their purse and sighing because just as they were headed out their husband said “Oh, I want to use the bathroom before we go.”

I will admit that since becoming a mom I do my fair share of hiding in the bathroom with a magazine or my iPhone just for the PEACE AND QUITE that comes from a closed door and a ventilation fan. But 90% of the time I’m doing it with my pants on. I’ve been pregnant for 18 of the last 34 months. The hemorrhoid situation is bad enough on it’s own without an hour sitting on the toilet. AREN’T YOU GLAD I SHARED THAT? I’ve also mastered the art of getting my business done in the 20 seconds between “uh oh the baby is waking up and needs to nurse but I have GOT to GO” and “screaming starving angry baby that will take no less than 90 minutes to get back to sleep”. If there was a speed pooping event at the Olympics, I’d win a gold medal.

But men? Men are the three-toed-sloth of going number 2. They spend so long crapping moss might grow on them. Is it a biological thing? Did I miss a day in health class that explained that humans with Y chromosomes need extra time in their schedule for bowel movements? It might have been the same day they explained why Mortal Kombat is awesome or the appeal of backwards baseball caps.

My theory is that crapping themselves is every guy’s BIGGEST FEAR and so as soon as they get the tiniest inkling of an idea that maybe they might have to poop sometime soon they run for the bathroom.

And women everywhere who have pooped on the delivery table scoff at them.

It’s mildly annoying at home – “Sorry I left you with two screaming children while you were in the middle of making dinner! Nature called! And we had a really really long chat! Is it time to eat?” – but it’s completely awful in public. The 20 square feet around the entrance to a rest stop bathroom isn’t exactly the most child-friendly place on Earth and there’s a limited amount of time a toddler is entertained by a water fountain before you are both soaking wet and crying.

And that fulfills my poop-talk quota for the month. Why no, potty training is NOT going super-well. What makes you ask?

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18 Responses to “The Eternal Question”

  1. Brittany says:

    This drives me craaaazy! Don’t even get me started. If we have to be somewhere I always have to tell him, “Make it a fast poop!”

  2. Donavon says:

    When I was younger I used to say that men take so long to poop because they are too dumb to realize you need to push it out and they wait for it to fall out. : )

    • Brandon says:

      For one… Everybody poops… Two, if pooping is work then I’m pretty sure your doing it wrong. My poop time is time to relax, catch up on my tweets and blogs, respond to my wife’s googletalk messages… You know your standard relaxing evolution. For all you know I could be responding from the bathroom right now.. TMI?

  3. Denae says:

    They dont practice their kegels.
    The only time potty training goes well is when a toddler is not involved.
    Hang in there.

  4. Michael says:

    My wife joyfully passed me this link stating, “So you’re not the only one!” I feel I must go against nature and pass out a secret from Manville.

    It doesn’t take us longer to #2. We do not have a fear of pooping ourselves. It’s all about taking a moment — or a few minutes to a half-hour — to relax and let nature happen. And for me, usually a book is involved and sometimes the chapters are long.

  5. This is so funny! My whole family now refers to hiding out in the bathroom for extended periods of time as “Taking a Mitchell”. Isn’t it amazing how biology works?! Mysteriously, as soon as Mitch got a droid, he came down with this sudden and totally inexplicable need to poop for longer periods of time (hour+)and twice as often. Isn’t is interesting that a piece of technology would have that sort of effect on someone?!?!?!

  6. I wish there was a “like” button for all of these comments. I had no idea that this extended male pooping was universal. My only question is….is this all men in general or just fathers of small children???? I don’t really remember if he took this long before we had a child. I think I didn’t care what he was doing back then.

  7. bellegourmande says:

    Yes, it is universal, and it is infuriating! Don’t their butts get numb after 30 minutes on the toilet? Sheesh.

  8. Aunt Katie says:

    OMG this is hilarious as I type upon my throne and the only minute of peace I get. Oh wait! My eldest daughter just came in to let me know she was headed to the store for hair color and a small conversation AFTER I said I was in the bathroom. Its so bad here that I no longer have a bathroom door on and just a curtain so I can atleast here my teenager while they carry on a conversation with me. But here is our issue: son takes for ever and husband won’t go #2 anywhere but home. #ihearyourgasps

    • Aunt Katie says:

      *hear my teenagers and before you ask, she was not buying a conversation, she was having one with me.

  9. Kat Rosati says:

    LOL. I have often wondered the same thing. I think once women become moms they master the 20 second potty rule. Yes, I just said potty. A word that seems to have crept into my vocabulary since having kids. Thanks for sharing! All this time I thought there was something wrong with the hubs. Turns out it is a universal problem with men! Lol!

  10. Kim says:

    You had me at the first two sentences. You are so hilarious, I honestly giggled while reading this entire post. My husband once tried to take the laptop with him to the bathroom. I told him I has to draw the line there. Unfortunately, Ryan also refuses to go anywhere but our house or a hotel room if he’s traveling. The boy needs a shrink.

  11. beth says:

    I know my husband can go fast when he needs to, but otherwise takes his sweet old time.

    I don’t even close the door and have an audience when I go.

    As for potty training, I’m in a bad place trying to train Child #2, but I know it will happen as I felt this way with Child #1 and it is all a memory.

    The best advice I got was no kid goes to college or even kindergarten not potty trained. All kids get potty trained…eventually. The process to get there is not fun at all.

  12. […] the post about x, y, or z” like I did with Suzanne from Bebeh Blog yesterday with her post on man poops taking an eternity. But I am really bad at visiting the actual blog and commenting […]

  13. story says:

    Oh my goodness. Thanks for this. You are so so right.

  14. Julie S. says:

    This drives me insane. Brandon gets to hibernate in the bathroom for 20 minutes and Brayden just automatically leaves him in there, but the second I try to escape, he finds me, and I am lucky if I get all my business done before he is trying to drag me out. Grrr.

  15. I cannot tell you how many times I have almost written this exact same post.

    I also cannot tell you how many times I have almost whacked my husband senseless after he’s left me wrangling a screaming, tired toddler & starving dog while trying to get dinner on the table & get the dishes done…because he’s taking a 30 minute shit.

  16. merin says:

    Man this is so true! In our old house, the doors shut all the way so Matt could hide out undisturbed for what seemed like hours. Now, in the new (old) house, the downstairs bathroom door doesn’t really close all the way (unless you REALLY try), so if Matt and the laptop are missing, I quietly say to Cora, “I think Daddy’s in the bathroom. Go find him!” Works every time. It may not speed up the process, but its hilarious and she won’t leave once she’s in there, so everyone gets to experience the joy of pooping with a friend!

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