1. Buy the right car seat.
There are no actual guidelines for what constitutes “right”, so be sure to read lots and lots and lots of reviews on Amazon. 200 at least. And don’t bother reading the 197 positive 5 star reviews – sort by 1 star and be sure to take VERY SERIOUSLY the three people who HATED that particular seat because their baby got stung by a bee while sitting in it. What kind of MONSTER doesn’t buy a bee-repelling car seat? Also take into consideration what color your baby’s eyes will be and order a seat in a color that really makes them pop. Since you need a car seat to bring your infant home from the hospital and cannot actually SEE your baby’s eyes before it is born, you will definitely buy the wrong seat. Wow, you didn’t even make it to the end of the first tip. You should probably stay home.

2. Pack lots of snacks.
You will have to stop a lot of times to feed your newborn, because newborns are lazy and refuse to just feed themselves pretzels and Twizzlers like everyone else does on road trips. But don’t expect you will actually get to eat or drink ANYTHING when you stop. This is not your time, this is BABY’S TIME. It doesn’t really matter what kinds of snacks you bring, since you’ll be blindly shoving it into your mouth while keeping your eyes on the road. I recommend crunchy things – the sound of yourself chewing helps drown out the screaming from bee stings.

3. Avoid traffic.
Since I am sure usually you enjoy sitting through construction, accidents and other acts of God you have no control over, actively avoid those things when you have a newborn traveling with you. If you cannot see into the future and/or predict traffic slow downs, invest in a psychic or perhaps a hoverjet.

4. Wear your baby.
OBVIOUSLY not while you’re driving, but at some point you will need to pee. It is easier to do so when you don’t have to also hold a baby with your arms and hands. Just like the car seat, it is important that you buy the RIGHT baby carrying device. Check out the lively world of online parenting message boards, which are not at all full of people screaming at each other over which kind of baby carrier is the best. Remember, a $600 organic hand woven sling is clearly superior to the kind you can just borrow from a friend, because the more something costs the more babies like it. This is why all babies prefer those wooden black and white educational toys to the car keys you just dropped in the parking lot.

5. Bring help.
Consider hiring the following people: nanny, wet nurse, car seat installer, personal chef, therapist, barista, and driver. Since bring ALL those people would require a much larger car than you probably own, try to find help who can multitask – there’s no reason someone can’t make you a latte while nursing your baby. If you have to bring just ONE person, your spouse will be fine. I guess. Can they make coffee?

6. Order the correct baby.
Did you get one of those newborns that hates riding in the car? An unreasonable baby that doesn’t sleep in 4+ hour chunks right from the beginning? Does your infant take hours to eat instead of efficiently chugging their milk/formula? Unexplained screaming? Poopsplosions? Colic? Clearly your baby is defective. Check your warranty paperwork to find out where to get your baby repaired. If you cannot locate your paperwork (people often seem to misplace it) send me $500 and I can get the Department of Perfect Children to mail you another copy. It’s no problem, happy to help.

Now you are ready for your road trip! It should be a very fun and relaxing activity, with lots of good opportunities to take and share beautiful Instagram photos of yourself in your adorable yet casual driving clothes standing on the beach or in front of a quaint farm stand or local landmarks. Remember to take at least one where you breastfeed in a field while staring peacefully into the distance, to prove you are a good mother. Good luck to you and your baby!

My pictures this week are all blurry, of people’s back, or of nothing interesting. It’s actually a terrible representation of our week – we did a lot of stuff!! – but the more I have my big camera in my hands the less I use my phone. My poor Instagram feed is sadly neglected. Maybe some day I’ll find a balance.

Sunday:

A rare Suzanne sighting IN one of my pictures.

Couch naps at the lake – sleeping like a baby.

Oh, it’s cold and cloudy? NO1CURR. We want to swim.

Monday:

Evan decided mint chocolate chip is his favorite, which was totally my favorite as a kid too.

IT’S SO GOOD ONCE IT HITS YOUR LIPS.

Watching my kids play with my old toys in my old house is always weird.

Tuesday:

Jersey Plates: FISTPMP (I was stopped, traffic was terrible)

This is how she feels about cheeseburgers

The moon is far less impressive in this picture, but was very cool. You’ll just have to trust me.

Wednesday:

Hands in her pockets.

Don’t let her face fool you, she luuuuuvs frozen yogurt.

An evening walk-run-roll in the grass

Thursday:

For a kid who was having a TON OF FUN, that’s a pretty strong side-eye.

MISSER TATO HEAD!!!

Dancing at the winery – they fell down a lot for people who weren’t even drinking.

 Friday:

DRIVE THRU STARBUCKS DRIVE THRU STARBUCKS IN MY TOWN! And whatever this peach green tea lemonade thing is is delicious.

What are these candies shaped like rings?? What sorcery is this?!?!?!

Gorgeous night for a photo shoot at the beach.

Saturday:

Princesses love strawberries for breakfast.

As close as I get to a day off – letting them destroy the house and watch TV.

Evening walk. Still in royal princess garb.

 This week is going to be crazy too (pictures, orientation, Evan’s first day of school ON A BUS!) but hopefully I can do a better job blogging than I did last week. My mother will be very sad if I quite posting pictures of her grandchildren because I’m taking pictures of other people.

1, A Crime Story: Once there was a woman traveling with two small children. Her greatest fear was rest stop bathroom lines, since small children often do not alert you to their potty emergencies until the chance of getting pee on one’s self is at threat level red. The woman never asked to cut in line or skip ahead, but when it came her turn to use a stall with her two small children she made sure all three of them used the facilities to prevent stopping again 5 minutes down the road when someone who insisted they did NOT need to potty suddenly realized they DID need to potty. One day, at a busy rest stop in Maryland, a lady dared to glare at the woman and mutter “Ugh, FINALLY” when the woman emerged from a tiny, tiny stall dragging two kids. And then the woman murdered that lady with her mind. The end.

2, An Important Lesson: This one time, at my mom’s house, I was too lazy to get my toothbrush out of the car so I figured I could just rinse my mouth with the fancy mouthwash she keeps in a glass decanter next to the sink. This turned out to be a terrible, terrible choice, since I’m pretty sure whatever was in that decanter was NOT mouthwash. I don’t even want to think about what it was, but I can still taste it 24 hours later.

3, An Art Film: Girl gets up at 5 am to photograph beautiful sunrise. Girl realizes 5 am is REALLY FRICKING EARLY and hits snooze until at least 5:45. Girl finally gets out of bed, into a kayak and heads out to take some pictures. Girl notices totally perfect family of swans that appear to have been ordered from central casting specifically to make her pictures even more amazing. Girl takes photos of swans with her zoom lens until she realizes she can’t focus on them anymore because there are 5 giant swans charging at her through the water. Girl panics, tosses camera into the kayak and paddles as fast as she can away from the vicious swans. Girl realizes this is a sign 5 am is stupid and sleeps in the rest of her vacation.

4, A Comedy:
Idiot: Hey, let’s take my iPhone out to the float and take some pictures of you jumping off! It has a waterproof case, it will be fine!
Kid: OK!
Idiot: *Jumps in the water* OK, now can you hand me my phone?
Kid: OK! Here Mommy, catch! *throws phone into water*
Idiot: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *scrambles frantically to catch phone as it sinks into 9 feet of water*

Postlude: The idiot caught it before it sank and immediately took it back to shore, where everyone laughs at her. IDIOT.

5. A Sappy Movie: I pretty much have the best parents ever. A lake house for us and the kids, amazing child-watching skills, super generous, and generally just really fun to be around. My 16 year old self certainly didn’t think I won the parent-lottery, but my 31 year old self knows I did.

As I type thing, I am drinking a boozy milk shake that contains a ground up chocolate chip cookie and coconut fudge ice cream. Just to give you some context on how TOTALLY worth it the 16 hour drive to South Carolina is.

Sunday:

The rarest animal in the aquarium: my husband

Cupcake face

I took this picture with a telephone.

She’s a cat burglar making her getaway.

Monday:

PEEK A BOO

Extremely loud trip to BJ’s

Happy Birthday Mr. Sendak. We’ll keep the wild rumpus going for you.

Tuesday:

Hanging up his coat for his last day of school

She really, really loves lemonade

Taking the animals to the vet

Wednesday:

Stuck in traffic and we haven’t even left Connecticut. Evan’s face explains it all.

Too cool for Delaware

Old timey fun with Mormor

Friday:

Spoiled, spoiled children

Spoiled, spoiled me

Never leaving.

Saturday:

Pre-pool relaxation

A very Low Country lunch

Who needs forks when you can pick up your cake like a sandwich?

I can’t even believe we have MORE DAYS of vacation before we leave…and when we do we have MORE FUN STUFF to do before we go back to Connecticut. My children are going to sleep for a week when we get home. It will be glorious.