Dear Mom,

Today is Mother’s Day, and,  just like birthdays, I never really understood how special a day it was until I had my own kids. It’s not about breakfast in bed or preschool craft projects or a card Dad bought and I just wrote my name on because I was too busy planning how to best get into trouble with my friends to remember which Sunday in May was supposed to be for you. It’s about saying how much I appreciate everything you did for me.

Thank you for all the homemade cookies and for never telling me I probably shouldn’t eat another one because I needed to be thin to make people like me.

Thank you for reading to me and for doing funny voices when we read The Hobbit. You were a better Gollum than that guy in the movie ever was.

Thank you for being so strict, because without your rules and boundaries I might have grown up too fast.

Thank you for telling me it was OK to change my mind if I didn’t want to be a marine biologist anymore after I went to college, because Holy Cow did I NOT want to be a marine biologist anymore after I went to college and it was such a relief to switch majors without worrying you’d be mad.

Thank you for showing me what a good marriage looks like – it’s amazing you and Dad are still so strong even though you got married at 22.

Thank you for being excited when I told you I was engaged, even though I was only 22.

Thank you for totally agreeing with me on every detail of my wedding and for laughing at mother-daughter pairs who fought over things like flower arrangements and plated appetizers.

Thank you for coming to help when I had my babies – I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you.

Thank you for being an amazing grandmother to Evan and Caroline and for always respecting my parenting choices.

I’m sorry for all the times I made you worry, the times I yelled at you, the screaming and crying and throwing myself on the floor (both as a toddler AND as an over-dramatic teenager), the broken curfews, the secrets I tried to keep, and that time I stopped speaking to you (even though I don’t think you even knew about it). I had to be a mom to understand how much your children can hurt you and how much it means to hear them say they didn’t mean to.

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my mom.

Love, Your Daughter,

Suzanne

I’m going to give you the most important piece of parenting advice you’re ever going to get:

Don’t listen to parenting advice.

At best, what you’re getting is someone’s own personal experience with a very limited number of children in a closed set of circumstances that you cannot possibly replicate exactly. At worst, they’re suggesting your dip your kid’s binky in Jack Daniels to deal with teething pain. True story.

Of course, no mother ever in the history of the world has managed to have a baby without getting some advice, whether she asked for it or not. For the most part, it’s all really well-meaning and kindly and just a way moms connect to other moms. It’s practically an automatic response, just like saying “Fine” when someone asks “How are you?” Someone holding a baby says “Jeeze, these diapers I’m using keep leaking” and BAM! I’m spewing word vomit about brands and sizes and cloth diapers versus disposables all over their face. I am totally guilty of the unwanted advice attack, even as I tell myself to stop.

The trouble is, it’s so damn easy to mistake advice for guidelines and guidelines for rules and as soon as something starts feeling like a rule the mommy guilt kicks in when you break them. When you’re exhausted and bleary-eyed and someone at playgroup says “You should put the baby to sleep in the crib so he gets used to it right away. That’s why my kids are such great sleepers!” suddenly everything you’ve been doing is wrong and those naps the baby’s been taking in your lap have doomed you to never sleeping through the night again. You’re a terrible mother!

Or when you mention in passing that you’re not really sure what you’re supposed to be doing with your infant all day long. I mean…she just lies there. Sometimes she smiles, but since she can’t even get her own hand in her mouth yet it seems a little early for baby signs or story time at the library. “Swim lessons!” says one mom. “Kindermusik!” says another. “Read her War and Peace!” says another mom, “Even though she can’t understand it it’s never to early to start the classics!” And then there you are, suddenly doubting the happy cooing and peek-a-boo games you’ve been playing aren’t doing enough to enrich your baby’s teeny tiny mind and she’s somehow falling behind the other babies before she can even hold her head up. Terrible mother!

Even really benign comments, like “I always put on make-up in the morning, no matter how busy my day is. It’s important to me to make the effort” can sound like “Look at you, you slob! I am judging your unwashed hair and pony tail and yoga pants! Obviously you’re just too lazy to make an effort!” especially to a new mom. Hell, you don’t even have to be a new mom, since every single stage of motherhood is challenging, every single time. A sleepless toddler thanks to his new big-boy bed is just as exhausting as a colicky newborn. An infant having trouble nursing is just as stressful as a 2 year old who won’t eat anything besides Goldfish. We’re all scared of making mistakes, all unsure about some of our choices, all blaming ourselves for every cough and sneeze and bump and bruise, so we turn to those around us, desperate for that one mommy secret everyone but you must know. But when well-meaning advice makes us feel even worse it is no longer helpful. You are the parent, you get to make the decisions, even if it is the total opposite of what your best mommy friend told you worked for her.

Of course, some advice is good. I want to kiss the person who suggested stickers as toddler entertainment right on their mouth. I’ve gotten great advice when it comes to breastfeeding from my (now defunct) nursing moms support group. And the internet has helped me in countless ways when I needed to connect and get a new perspective on what’s going on with my crazy toddler.

But in the end, don’t let anyone’s advice get in the way of your happiness.