Things I did last night because I was pregnant:

1. Picked a dress that was not short and low cut. Ok, so it was low cut, but it wasn’t both. I’m retaining water like the Hoover Dam and feel like the hugest, puffiest pregnant person ever. I figured my best chance is to distract people with my newly enormous boobs.
2. Glared at every single person I saw smoking and loudly complained I couldn’t be within a mile’s radius of a cigarette, lit or unlit.
3. Ordered dessert without feeling the least bit guilty – although I did share it with E. By “share” I mean allow him two or three bites before stabbing him through the hand with my fork. It was his celebration after all.
4. Turned down an enormous amount of free alcohol and drank nothing but water. 
5. Sighed and moped about standing up at the nightclub until E talked the bouncers into allowing his poor pathetic pregnant wife to sit in the table service area.
6. Made friends with one of the bikini-clad hoochy-cooch dancers after telling her I was sitting down because I was knocked up.
7. Allowed several complete strangers to hug me and/or touch my stomach. This is the first time that’s happened. I don’t have much of a belly right now, just a little extra pooch from the before mentioned Colorado River my body has determined necessary. But when I saw these women reaching for my mid section, instead of sucking in I pushed that sucker out as far as possible. If they want a belly, I’ll give ’em a belly.
8. Took my shoes off.
9. Yelled at E to leave me alone and go dance with other people. Normally I would say “Oh don’t worry about me, just have a good time” and totally not mean it. Actually doing that would lead to a very cold and stony weekend where he is punished with home improvement chores and trips to Bed Bath and Beyond. But since I felt fine sitting down and couldn’t be bitter about not drinking, I really did want him to enjoy his party. I think he might have also made friends with a hoochy-cooch dancer, but since every time a girl talked to him he screamed “MY WIFE IS PREGNANT! SHE’S OVER THERE! WAVE AT MY WIFE!!!!” I don’t mind.
10. Made everyone go home before last call. Even a $20 cover charge can’t keep me awake until 2 am.

Things I did despite being pregnant:

1. Played blackjack – and won!
2. Went to a nightclub.
3. Danced with a hoochy-cooch dancer on a banquette. I figured it might be my last chance to do that kind of thing. But if my baby grows up to be a stripper, I’ll never forgive myself.

Tags: pregnancy