Birthing Class

Meh. I have a sneaking suspicioun birthing class is really meant for husbands. I mean, I don’t think there is a single woman who makes it to 28 weeks not knowing what “dilation” is. At least not the kind of woman who pays $45 for labor preparedness classes. Maybe the girl who gives birth in the Catholic school bathroom would benefit from that information, but since class takes place at the same time as Gossip Girl I really doubt she’s going to attend.

Our instructor Sandy is a nurse at my OB-GYN’s office which is actually the most helpful part. She told us useful things like where to go when I’m in labor, all about the fancy birthing suites (no shared rooms – yah!), and that my preregistration kit should come in the mail in 8 weeks. We also get a tour of the L&D floor during the last class. I think they make us wait so we aren’t tempted to steal one of the infants from the nursery and just call it our baby.

There were five other couples. Everyone else in my class is having a girl and they are all due before me, although several are due in late March. Two couples were a little…weird. I am, of course, judging them completely on appearances, but I cannot make mommy friends with people who look like they cut their own hair in the dark and have stains on their dress sweatpants pre-infant.  One couple seemed OK until they started talking about how they were planning to drive over an hour away to have the baby at a water-birthing center. I have nothing against water-births, I just need to be friends with the kind of woman who appreciates mind-altering substances, beginning with an epidural and ending with cocktails. There were two promising couples, a girl in a green shirt and Uggs + husband, and a girl with adorable short curly hair + her husband. Curly haired girl is naming her daughter Emma but I can’t remember any of the adult names. I am willing to forgive both the questionable footwear and the horribly unoriginal baby name if these people are willing to forgive my baby’s gender and my husband’s constant smart-ass remarks.

E was actually pretty good. I think he only said “20%” once! His only question was if the L&D floor had wireless access so he wouldn’t miss any raids on World of Warcraft. He even volunteered to bring Halo 3 in as my focus object during labor, so I had something to remind me of home. Did I mention he wore his pirate hoodie that says “The beatings will continue until morale improves”? But he did pay attention and even answered a question out loud and half correctly, which is more than I can say for any of the other guys. And he even did the breathing exercises! Out loud! I think if I had to pick the best part of the class it’s that E is gaining a better understanding and appreciation of what I’m going to go through. Plus I really want to see the Labor and Delivery ward and maybe steal a newborn from the nursery. I mean borrow. Borrow a newborn. For about 18 years.

5 Responses to “Birthing Class”

  1. lalaland13 says:

    I think your birthing class sounds like a sitcom, except it’s actually funny and not sitcom-babyish.

    At the end of class, does E get implanted with a kidney stone and forced to pass it while you’re holding a camcorder? If so, then he really will understand.

  2. Erin (i dont have a fake name :( ) says:

    My favorite part is the halo remark :)

  3. AGreenEyeDevil says:

    Do they have a sympathy belly?? If so, I think we must DEMAND that Big E wear it each week duirng class!

  4. h_a_l says:

    This post made me giggle a lot. I like the part about mind altering substances beginning with the epidural. One of the first pieces of advice someone gave me was too look into the “Bradley method” of birthing and when I looked it up I was like “I’ll take the epidural over getting in touch with my pain and using it to aid in my birth, thanks” Some of the funniest pregnancy stories I’ve heard have come from tales of birthing classes so I can’t wait to hear more tales!

  5. Other Erin says:

    Tell E I really want to steal that sweatshirt.

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