Scene: Pouring rain. In the van on the entrance ramp to the highway. Two kids in their car seats. You’re just barely on time for Stroller Strides because you had to pack four zillion snacks, sippy cups, toys, water bottles, crayons and blankets.
Suddenly, you hear a voice from the back seat.
“Mommy, poop potty! Big poop Mommy!”
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Option A: Turn around and go home. You’ll have to drive down to the next exit, get back ON the highway, get back OFF the highway, drive back past the hospital during the busiest part of the morning, drag both kids out of the car into the house in the rain.
Cons: Getting wet, hauling kids, being late
Pros: You probably won’t have to scrape poop of the toddler
Option B: Stop at the gas station a few exits down the highway. The bathroom will be of questionable cleanliness and you’ll have to balance a baby on your hip while removing the toddlers shoes, pants and underwear because he refuses to sit on the potty unless entirely bottomless. Then you have to do it all in reverse to go back out in the rain and reload them into the car.
Cons: Getting wet, hauling kids, being late, catching horrible disease from disgusting public restroom
Pros: You probably won’t have to scrape poop off the toddler (but not guaranteed)
Option C: Ask him to hold it. Beg him to hold it. Shout “NO POOPING IN THE CAR!” Sing a made-up-song about how we only poop in the potty. Say “Did you poop? Did you poop? Did you poop?” every 12 seconds the whole way to the mall. UNFORTUNATE TWIST: You forgot to pack extra underpants (or any kind of pants).
Cons: Possible poop scraping, being so tired of the word poop your brain explodes
Pros: On time to class, no extra kid hauling, taking the risk gets your heart racing which practically counts as a bonus morning workout
So, yeah, I thought my life was supposed to get EASIER after potty training. Everyone is always complaining about diapers but let me tell you, THIS IS NOT BETTER. I spend at least two hours a day staring at my kid while he sits on the can, helping him with his pants, wiping his butt or bribing begging him to use the potty BEFORE we leave the house. My Weight Watchers activity tracker should have an option for “potty trained toddler” because if I’m going to be running back and forth to the restroom every single time we go out in public I want to be able to EAT those activity points. Or more accurately, drink those points. Mommy needs a hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps.
For the record, my choice in the earlier scenario was C because I happen to know my kid is a LYING LIARFACE and uses “Poop potty!” as an excuse to get out of the car/stroller when he’s bored. There was no poop scraping. He not only held it until we got to the mall, he told me he didn’t even have to go anymore. No accidents.
So to sum up: I am sick of the word poop and my toddler is incredibly manipulative.