Yesterday, I was working on some life-skills with Little Evan. Doesn’t that sound fancy? Life-skills. What I really mean is I was teaching him how to use the Keurig to make Mommy a cup of coffee. Obviously he can’t do it on his own – he’s always trying to make me drink tea instead and he can’t even reach the counter – but he loves to switch out the K-cup and push the button. And I dare you to tell me making coffee isn’t an absolutely necessary skill, especially if he takes after me and gets an Underwater Basket Weaving Liberal Arts degree.

As we waited the 20 seconds for my mug to fill with the delicious, life-giving nectar of the gods that is Newman’s Own Organic Dark Roast, Little Evan reached his fingers right towards the stream of hot coffee.

“Oh no!” I said, pulling him away, “That’s hot! Danger! Don’t touch!”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because hot things can burn you and that would hurt your fingers,” I explained.

“Oh ok mama. I won’t touch the coffee,” he said. And we both enjoyed a quiet moment of understanding and an important lesson learned.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA No.

“WHY?” he asked again. “WHY? WHY? WHY?”

“Because if you got hurt you’d be sad and that makes me sad.”

“WHY?”

“Because when you’re sad you cry and I don’t like crying babies.”

“WHY?”

“Because it hurts my head and there aren’t any circuses in town I can sell you to right now.”

“WHY?”

“Well, they probably heard I was trying to unload one majorly whiny toddler and they didn’t want to risk getting stuck with you.”

“WHY WHY WHY?”

After about thirty seconds I resorted to something I used to swear would never cross my lips: “BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO.”

Other variations: “Because I am the boss of you!” “Because Mommy is in charge!” “Because Daddy will be mad when I tell him!” and “Because God doesn’t like it when you ask questions.” Yeah, I might be going to hell. Also, it didn’t work.

He asked “WHY?” approximately 40 bazillion more times over the next 8 hours, although it felt more like 8 days. WHY do I need to stop kicking my sister? WHY do I need to eat something besides Fritos for lunch? WHY shouldn’t I punch Mommy in the face? WHY can’t you hold me while you cook dinner? WHY WHY WHY?

How is it possible that my toddler has learned this word already? And how long do you think it will take before it drives me to drink?

(Non-surprising answer: negative two hours.)