Dear Sales Lady at Motherhood Maternity,

While I am truly flattered that after the…very thorough once-over, you sized up my butt and decided to keep bringing me mediums (even in those Heidi Klum maternity jeggings)(which were a crime against both women and eyes everywhere) please listen to me when I talk. I want larges. LARGE. L. It’s written right on the label so they shouldn’t be hard to find. Yes, I’m sure the medium would fit me fine right now but I’m planning to be pregnant for a couple more months. Maternity jeans are not like regular jeans, where the brand with the best vanity sizing wins and I’m willing to wear Spanx just to get into a pair I’ve been holding on to since college. I’ve got enough uncomfortable stuff going on in my crotchal area without too-tight pants. Things are only getting bigger for the next 11 weeks and I’d like these jeans to fit until I have to peel them off to, you know, get the baby out. Thanks for understanding.

xoxo

Suzanne

p.s. Sorry about my kid chewing on those shirts. I know I should have bought them but dude, they were REALLY ugly. Hopefully that sweater I grabbed made up for it.

p.p.s. I could have done without the crazy-eyes when I turned down your offer of free formula and diaper coupons too. Not crazy. Just not interested.

p.p.p.s. But good job on doing at least 10000x better than the last time I went into your store.