Maybe YOU Were an Accident

I braved the maternity store at the mall last week, looking for fall-type clothes. Instead I found ugly, overpriced outfits – polyester tops and matching pants sold as sets, giant pink sweaters, black tents sold as “dresses” – and an idiotic sales girl.

Maternity stores are not like regular stores. If you’re in a maternity store, you better have a due date and an ultrasound or they’ll toss you out. You also have to discuss your weight gain, exact measurments (none of the polite salesperson “can I get you a different size?” when you’ve given up trying to get that 6 to zip), morning sickness, birth plan (I’m still not sure what that means) and family history. Our store is kind of a small place and there’s hardly ever more than one person in it at a time, so there is no way to avoid the person working there.

I snuck in the door, tried to avoid eye contact, and then hid behind the sales rack, hoping the girl behind the counter would let me shop in peace. No such luck.

“How far along are you?” Um, about 4 months

“Are you still in regular pants or do you need new jeans?” No, these are well disguised maternity jeans and no you can’t have them.

“So this was an accident, right?” …………..Wait, what?

“You got pregnant by accident? No way, you really planned it?” Yes. Planned. With my husband, who I’ve been happily married to for four years. We intentionally had unprotected sex in the very nice house we own and then went out to dinner and paid in cash because we are financially responsible. Also, did I mention I was TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD which is a perfectly appropriate age to have a baby ON PURPOSE??!??!?

I know I don’t look very old. I still get carded. Last year someone asked me what high school I went to. But I was hoping I was old enough to pass for a young Navy wife instead of a pregnant teenager. I guess I was wrong. Stupid maternity store clerk.

9 Responses to “Maybe YOU Were an Accident”

  1. meghanstrader says:

    Sorry that happended…wait until your fingers get all swollen and you have to take off your wedding ring. Then you get REALLY awful looks from well meaning strangers, at least I did…

  2. sarrible says:

    WHOA. That’s…actually, I find that really, really funny. Next time you should point at your belly and say, “Oh, this? Water weight. But my boyfriend thinks it’s real. This’ll totally get him to leave his wife.”

  3. lalaland13 says:

    @Sarrible: I’m all for your idea. That’s brilliant.

    The thing about malls is, no one who works there lets you shop in peace. It’s some sort of unwritten rule. If you aren’t in the store getting harassed, you’re walking around getting harassed by kiosk people who want you to “feel this! Smell this! Hit this!”

    I’ve always looked about my age or a little older. I hope that doesn’t continue when I’m elderly.

  4. TheDomina says:

    That is horrendously rude of her! Who cares if the baby was an accident or planned!

    @sarrible: HILARIOUS!

  5. stacyinbean says:

    I can’t believe a stranger said that to you. And someone who wanted you to buy something at the store she works in?! She must not work on commission. Any who, I think one of the keys to ‘looking adult’ is shorter hair, which I’ve never really understood, but seems to be the case.

  6. E says:

    @sarrible I still have tears from laughing so hard.

  7. OMG, that is so unbelievably rude! Whether it was an accident or not, what a shitty thing to say!

    @sarrible: I love it! Hilarious!

  8. AGreenEyeDevil says:

    When did the total absence of manners and couth become acceptable!! HOLY.HELL.

    @sarrible…that’s a classic, luv it!!

  9. Other Erin says:

    That is completely awful and really funny at the same time.

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