Not. Even. Bacon.
Baby Evan is almost 11 months old and still does not eat anything. I’m getting to the point where – although what my obviously happy, healthy kid eats is NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS – people have started giving me funny looks when I turn down children’s menus and offers to “just let him try a little bit.” (Actual conversation with E’s boss at Christmas party – Boss: Oh, we didn’t plan any food for the baby. E: That’s ok, we brought food. Boss: What, like a bottle or something? E: …Or something.) It’s hard to explain to strangers that although Baby Evan will literally run across a room to grab the food from your hand, it’s gonna come right back out as soon as it hits his tongue. All of my pockets are full of mushed up pieces of Cheerio the baby spit out and I had to pick up because I am not a jerk who leaves drooly bits of cereal all over the play area/pediatrician’s office/Target/your shirt. I’m also afraid people are starting to suspect I’m doing this on purpose, like some sort of extended breastfeeding Nazi who won’t let her kid eat any solid foods because I think BREAST IS SO MUCH THE BEST that everything else is unnecessary. “Anything?” people ask when I tell them he doesn’t eat, “Really? Have you tried Cheerios? My kid loves Cheerios. How about apple slices/Popsicles/mac and cheese/chicken nuggets/a whole turkey leg?” No, I say, not anything. But thanks.
I did talk to a nutritionist (also known as my friend Megan’s mom) about Baby Evan’s strange dietary habits and she assured me we were still well within the realm of normal child behavior. She had plenty of stories of kids – her own included – who didn’t eat anything until 14, 15, 16 months. After looking over the list of foods that have gone over pretty well versus the list of total failures, we decided it was a texture things as well as an independence thing. Mushy food on a spoon is AWFUL. Crunchy things or anything he could potentially choke on are OK. Things he can chew with his many sharp little teeth are best. My plan of action is to just keep offering food – some food, any food, all food – until we find something that he’ll swallow, and work on “balanced and nutritionally sound” later.
Foods he hates even more than I hate Katy Perry
Things eaten with a spoon
Foods he almost ate once
Banana nut Cheerios
Peas from some sort of Gerber baby stew meal
Soybeans in their pods
Foods almost worth feeding
Conversation hearts Valentine candy
Foods he eats enough of to provide nutrition
Thanks God I got the hang of this breastfeeding thing. Hey at least it’s cheap, easy and always available.