That is the face of someone who feels guilty for cheating on her “I’ve gotta lose 15 pounds in 3 weeks” diet but who REALLY enjoyed her Five Guys burger for lunch. And also enjoys playing with her new iPhone photo app.

I fell off the Weight Watchers bandwagon during the cruise back in March. Despite my plans to get back to counting as soon as I got home…or as soon as the weekend was over…or right after this ice cream cone…I never really did. It was a great plan and absolutely works as long as you ACTUALLY DO IT. But I stopped. So I stopped losing weight. And then I gained back almost 20 pounds of the 30 I had lost because no matter HOW many times I tell myself “Oh yes, I’m making healthy choices!” I constantly underestimate what I’m eating. It’s just SO EASY to eat 500 calories worth of cookies while telling myself I’m only eating 200 calories worth of cookies while also telling myself I didn’t eat ANY cookies what are you talking about I’ve had nothing but carrot sticks all day oh right.

So I officially stopped throwing my money into Weight Watchers and downloaded the LoseIt app. I like it a lot but – AGAIN, shockingly – you only lose weight if you’re actually following the calorie guidelines and tracking what you eat. I’m good at it for about 4 days in a row and then I fall HARD off the plan and stuff my face. Someone recently told me a cheat day actually helps you lose MORE weight so I’m pretending hoping that’s true. I’ve also restarted the Couch To 5K program – I’m already on week 3 – and doing pretty well. On the days I can’t run because it’s dark when E gets home and/or my shinsplints are killing me I do a Jillian DVD or go to Stroller Strides.

I’m down 4 pounds in a week and a half, but I suspect a lot of that was just water weight (I ran out of Diet Coke). I think as long as I keep my cheat days down to once or twice a week I can keep up at least the exercise part of this New! Improved! Suzanne! plan – I don’t actually HATE working out and that seems to be the key to eating more than just lettuce and boiled chicken all the time. And nothing beats seeing the results on the scale.

But in the mean time, I need to remind myself that the body I have now is pretty good too. I can pick up the kids and climb on the playground and splash in the lake and run through a field and hold them both in my lap for story time and walk through the zoo for three hours without collapsing (although I make no promises when it comes to getting out of bed the next day). I won’t be winning (or entering) any bikini contests, but there’s no contest for who can beat themselves up the most over not fitting in their wedding dress after 2 kids either. And the LAST thing I want is for my kids to start picking up on why I’m always sighing and sucking in my stomach when I put on my bathing suit.

TL:DR version – I’m on a diet again but still love cheeseburgers. Amen.

p.s. I might not be as thin as I was when I got married but I am just as tan and just as blond for the first time since 2004 and it feels goooooooood. MOAR SUNLIGHT FOR EVERYONE.