It is amazing how being a parent changes the way you look at something as simple as walking.

My mall is the worst designed mall in the entire world. Instead of flattening out the land before construction they just built the whole thing uphill so every 40 feet there are 2-3 steps. On both floors. I never noticed what a stupid design this actually was until I tried to walk it pushing a stroller. To accommodate the pushers – and probably to comply with the handicap-accessibility laws – the kind mall designers built one single ramp for each set of stairs (actually, four sets of stairs, two on each side of the mall).

In theory, this system works fine. The ramp is wide enough that  two normal-sized strollers can pass, so even on a busy day you aren’t stuck waiting and can get from the As Seen on TV Store to the sketchy Asian import/”relaxation” store*as fast as your tacky crap buying heart desires.

But in practice, people are idiots. Lazy idiots who see the ramps as the best way to avoid walking up steps instead of a necessity for people who can’t navigate the stairs. Lazy fat idiots who walk two across so you end up standing in line for your turn to push the stroller down the ramp. Lazy fat deaf blind idiots who move at a glacial pace and don’t even notice the moms glaring and sighing in frustration. I tried just running them over with the stroller but that was about as effective as trying to move a tree out of the way with your car. I commented to the girl with the stroller waiting in front of me how rude I thought this was, and she said “It’s even worse for me since all the old women use the opportunity to scold me for being a teen mother. This isn’t even my kid – she’s my sister!”

It took becoming a mother for me to realize that while children can be inconvenient, they aren’t intentionally difficult or rude. I always thought little kids were the most annoying part of parenting but it turns out it’s other adults that are the real pain in the ass. Where can I go for good old fashioned hold-the-door, mind-your-own-beeswax, take-the-stairs, smile-at-your-neighbor living?

*The mall also sucks as a mall, with about half the store fronts empty or containing temporary displays. Unfortunately it’s where our Old Navy and H&M are so I can’t avoid it entirely. Plus, again, AIR CONDITIONING.

There’s a Huggies ad campaign currently running with the tag line “enjoy the ride”. They want new parents to sign up for their rewards program (I’m guessing it’s just like the Pampers rewards I signed up for – buy a zillion and one diapers, get a $5 gift certificate for photo prints). In magazines the ads are pictures of hassled parents trying to juggle strollers and cell phones or trying to change diapers in the dark or something. There’s also a tv spot featuring what I’m sure is some casting director’s ideal version of a “hip, urban” mom – African-American, obvious tattoos, NYC-style apartment – trying to potty train her daughter. I’m sure the disposable diaper companies are losing this kind of parent in droves due to the popularity of the new cloth diapers and this campaign is an attempt to regain that market share. Be hip, use Huggies!

But if I was in charge, I’d fire that advertising agency immediately. One of the ads on tv has a “funny” disclaimer at the end. I’m sorry I can’t find the video online but considering they play it a hundred times a day I hope you’ve already seen it. The disclaimer says something like “To be eligible for Huggies rewards you must go through nine months of morning sickness and people touching your belly. Then you must be rushed to the hospital where you will experience…a miracle!”

Really Huggies? Really? Only people who have given birth need diapers? How about the thousands of families who come together through adoption. I’m sorry, parents who opened their hearts to a baby that isn’t biologically related to them, you can’t participate. Hope you got one that was already potty trained! And I sure hope you didn’t use a surrogate since your “miracle” will be happening to someone else. No rewards for you! Just to be safe, you better watch out for those step-kids too. Can’t let them go thinking they’re the same as REAL children!

There are many, many ways to become a family Huggies, and your insistence that one go through pregnancy to be a parent is ridiculous. If I didn’t already hate your diapers I’d be switching brands.