As the weekend of August 7-8 quickly approaches, I know you must have a lot of questions about not attending BlogHer. What won’t it be like? What won’t I wear? Who won’t I see? What if no one likes me? Don’t worry! As an expert in not attending – I haven’t gone for the past 7 years straight – I can hold your hand through this sometimes stressful process. Here are 6 simple steps to ease your concerns:

1. Relax
Even though I know you feel like the only one, there are literally millions of people not attending BlogHer. Some of them will even manage to survive the weekend. Freaking out about living your life as you would on any other day of the year is unnecessary. Act as you normally would, including these possible activities: sleeping, eating, showering, changing into clean pajamas, taking artsy pictures of food, cleaning up poop, spending money on Etsy on stuff you don’t need, staring at your Google reader hoping someone updates, wondering why no one ever calls anyone on the phone anymore.

2. Consider your wardrobe
Staying home definitely has its advantages. You don’t have to try to understand the difference between semi-casual cocktail evening dress attire and semi-formal afternoon reception I’m judging you in that skirt attire. You may even want to buy a new pair of stretchy pants for the occasion, just to celebrate not having to spend two days hoping no one notices your Spanx.

3. Write posts your readers actually care about
Although the whole BLOGGING world cares about BlogHer, I can assure no one else does. Become an internet beacon of light and joy to everyone who will be hiding from their RSS feeds, avoiding eight zillion blurry group shots where everyone is looking in different directions and wearing lampshades on their heads. In comparison, your poop tweets and posts about your kid’s sleep habits seem FASCINATING.

4. Avoid swag drama
If you want free stuff, I suggest rummaging your neighbor’s trash cans at night or stalking yard sales at 3 pm. Besides, Crocs are wicked ugly and McDonald’s is bad for you. Bonus: You don’t have to somehow work “Doctor Bob’s Amazing Vanishing Wart Remover” into your next post just because you took that sample for, uh, a friend.

5. Don’t wonder if people are ignoring you on purpose
A major advantage of staying home is not finding out one of your blogging heroes is really a giant jerk. This may come as a shock, but did yo know a lot of people are different in real life than they are online? And just because you comment on every.single.post. a blogger writes they still might not know who you are. It’s much safer and less soul crushing to stick to believing you two are BIFFs (best internet friends forever) and think fondly about that time she sent you an email – even if it was just about that giveaway you won.

6. Stop complaining
Constantly blogging or tweeting about how you’re NOT at BlogHer is almost as annoying as constantly blogging and tweeting about how you ARE. If it means you have to close TweetDeck for 48 hours, it’s a small price to pay to avoid pissing off half your followers. If you’re so broken up about it you can’t think of anything else, I suggest seeking counciling from other non-attendees and large quantities of alcohol (bonus: you’ll almost feel like you’re there!)

Remember, this is just ONE conference in ONE city ONE year. The internet will not forget who you are if you don’t get to meet some of them face to face and there are no free 10-day dream vacations to Paris in the swag bags. BlogHer attendance does not qualify you for some sort of Best Blogger of The Whole Interwebs award delivered by the Old Spice guy vomiting rainbows while riding a unicorn even if those bitches who went say they totally got one. Just follow my handy guide and maybe you’ll be one of the lucky non-attendees who wakes up Monday August 9th still alive and allowed to write stuff on the internet.

Besides, there’s always next year.