Stupid Advice

The most consistent advice anywhere about how to handle having a newborn is: Sleep when the baby sleeps. Let me tell you, that is total crap.

If I slept every time the baby slept I’d be getting like 18 hours of sleep a day. None of it would be very restful though, since his naps only last 2-3 hours. I’d never get a shower or a meal or change my clothes. The worst part is losing those blocks of time. When I sleep, breastfeed, sleep, breastfeed, sleep, etc. I end up feeling like a dairy cow. It’s actually more refreshing to spend a couple hours watching Law & Order, doing some laundry or making brownies instead of  just checking out. It breaks the cycle.

Also, sleep is supposed to help increase your milk production, something I am NOT in favor of. I almost blinded the baby this morning when I unhooked my bra and the milk actually squirted 6 inches right into his eye. I could have saved myself the $30 I spent on that breast pump and just “manually expressed” my milk into bottles since my boobs are apparently capable of expressing themselves.

Maybe I just have a baby that sleeps more than normal and I should STFU for a few more weeks. I hear that’s when colic usually hits. Since I was the most horrible, colicky child ever I feel the universe is bound to punish me.

No Responses to “Stupid Advice”

  1. afteriris says:

    I used to just put a bowl under my other breast when feeding my daughter, I could normally get a good couple of ounces that way without any effort.

    I remember once I was trying to feed my daughter in a cafe and my boobs were so full that as I unhooked my bra a thin stream of milk sprayed across the room a spattered on the plate of another diner at the next table. He didn’t notice so – I ashamed to say – I just kept my mouth shut.

  2. Brigid says:

    oh my GOD I hate that advice.

    Sorry, he sleeps in 45 minute increments during the day, which means that juuuuust as I hit REM sleep he wakes up and I feel drugged. OR he sleeps a good long time, I take a long nap, and wake up groggy and headache-y because I don’t sleep well during the day.

    And if I’m sleeping, who’s going to do the laundry, dishes, clean the bathroom, surf the web, etc? Nobody, that’s who. Fuck that noise.

  3. candace says:

    I pray that he’s not a colic baby.. I know the feeling of shooting milk out it’s kind of funny. I agree with you on the sleep part, I don’t sleep either I feel like I’m better off getting work done as well.

  4. sarrible says:

    Dude, this isn’t news. Your boobs have always been good at expressing themselves. It’s just that they used to say “Hey, sailor” and now they say “Soup’s on.”

  5. h_a_l says:

    I will keep my fingers crossed about baby E not being so colicky. I was also a colic baby from hell. in fact, in most of my baby pictures I am screaming my head off. I am hoping our little Ivy takes after my husband who was apparently a very good baby.

    And sleeping when the baby sleeps always seemed nonsensical to me as well. Especially when they don’t sleep for very long periods of time. Periods of time when you could be tidying up or doing dishes.

  6. Erin (sorry I don't have a fake name :( ) says:


    I love you!! You always crack me up!!! :)

  7. sarrible says:


    I guess yours say “Hey, airman.” They’ll get to that other part later.

  8. Erin (i dont have a fake name :( ) says:

    That’s awesome! :)

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