I don’t like the idea of naming a child. I can’t even name my own cat, instead, I let my Facebook friends do it. But I don’t think that’s really an option for my actual, human baby, even though right now we are referring to it as “The Tadpole”. Please don’t call child protective services. I know I have a whole pregnancy to make this decision, but I’m not sure I can handle the pressure. Especially without alcohol.

Luckily, if we have a boy the decision is already made for me. My husband is a second, like King George II. His parents didn’t want to him to be called Junior his whole life, so they went with roman numerals instead. Also lucky is the fact that he has a perfectly nice name, so it’s not like I’m being forced to carry on a family tradition of torturing babies with names like Tarquin Farnsworth IV. I have also taken a poll of the people I know who have numbers (consisting entirely of my boss who’s a third) and they conclude growing up with the same name as your dad is one of the less cruel things you can do to a kid. Much less cruel than naming him Chevy or Mustang or Harley Davidson.

My real dilemma is naming a girl. I have a couple names I like, a few that are off limits, and of course the Baby Name Test. I didn’t invent the baby name test but I’m certainly going to run all possible girl names by it. You just take your baby’s potential name and insert it into the following two sentences:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I now introduce to you the President of the United States, ________________.” or

“Now appearing on the main stage of the Lusty Beaver, _________________.”

Mostly I’m just afraid of falling into that crazy world parents live in where the desire to name your child something that illustrates its amazing spectacular specialness makes you think Bryannyan is an awesome name. Much like all the people here: (Thanks Sara!) I also don’t want to name it Jennifer or Emily or Elizabeth or Michelle, no offense to anyone, because I have a really common last name, and wouldn’t want the baby to be Jennifer-D-the-one-with-red-hair her whole life. Although these days even the most uncommon names aren’t. I know two babies named Nevaeh – heaven backwards – and both sets of parents think they “made up” the name. Does anyone have a super awesome secret perfect baby name they want to give me?


15 Responses to “Names”

  1. lalaland13 says:

    Hehe I have an amazing spectacular specialness name, but I think my mom pulled off the rare feat of giving me a unique name that is nice. People compliment me on it a lot. Or maybe they’re just being polite, but eh, I love my name anyway.

    Whenever my Sims have babies, I usually don’t know what to name them. So I try to think of something on the spot and resist the urge to name them Pukehead or something mean that you could never name a real child. Hey maybe I should do the Junior or III thing. Even though I’m not too fond of that tactic in real life. But then again, I come from a family of weird names, and if someone else wants to do that, I have no probs with it. My brother has a weird name, as does my mom.

  2. lalaland13 says:

    Also, I once saw a girl named La4sha. With the number. I think it was La4sha. It was something similar and there was definitely a number.

    And I cringe at Aryan, which I’ve seen as a “cool and unique” spelling of Erin. Actually no. It’s just a white supremacist name. And I have family that adopted a girl from a white supremacist couple and that was her name.

  3. bebehblog says:

    I used to tell people I had a silent 4 in my name, but I really don’t. Also, I know your name (at least your Facebook name) and it is both unique and different without being outlandish.

    Aryan makes me want to cry. Does she have a twin brother named Hitler?

  4. lalaland13 says:

    Yes, my FB name is my name, haha. I should have probably gone incognito, but I did not.

    The adopted Aryan had her name legally changed to Erin when she was adopted, I think. And her brother was not Hitler, haha-he was a Junior, if I remember right.

    My brother has a unisex first name and a middle name that’s traditionally a boy’s name but is now almost exclusively girl’s name. He still likes his name, though he often gets letters addressed to “Ms.”

  5. london_calling says:

    I have spent all morning laughing over the bad names website…I can’t stop reading it.

  6. My dad is Leonard Cornelius (Insert Long Last Name Here) III. Luckily, my parents both refused to burden my little brother with that fate.

  7. Trashtastic says:

    PPG, you & PPB were lucky.

  8. FF says:

    I LOVE that baby name site. A friend from Canada first linked me to it.

    My dad wanted to name me ZetaMoon, and he pushed really hard to name my sister Roxanne. Yes, he smoked a lot of pot in the 70s, why do you ask?

  9. h_a_l says:

    That baby names site is hysterical. I had a friend named Oceana Sky which her dad apparently thought up while tripping on acid. When we have kids, if we have a girl we want to call her Ivy, since it goes well with Holly – it’s kinda lame I know but at least I don’t want to name her Berry!

  10. myrtlebeachbum says:

    My #1 beef is people who give their kids last names for first names, believing it will make us think they have an extra half mil in their IRAs or something. Driving into Mount Stepfordville a few months ago, I saw a “Happy Birthday McMillan!” sign on our community announcement board, and I threw up a little in my mouth.

    I have no doubt that you will come up with something wonderful. If you’re really attached to it, though, don’t tell anyone what it is until after the baby’s born. Some asshole will inevitably frown and ruin it for you, trust.

  11. As a long-suffering Jennifer, I plead to you: If you have a girl, don’t give her an extremely popular name.* She’ll go through life answering/waving/turning around only to realize she wasn’t the Jennifer they were speaking to. And she’ll also possibly deal with situations like mine–my boyfriend’s skank ex-wife? Jennifer. Gah!

    *Not that I’m endorsing weird, out-there names like those celebrities burden their children with. Something lovely in the middle would be nice.

  12. london_calling says:

    @DZ: Yes, middle is the way to go. I think I fall into the middle category, neither too common, nor too out-there. However, I still get the “I can’t quite think of your name so I’m going guess it’s something…but not quite right”. Unfortunately, the guessed name (Heather) is the boy’s crazy ex’s name. That’s been…interesting.

  13. sara says:

    I saw a porno once starring a girl named Neveah. Just so you know.

  14. SarahMC says:

    Hey! I must be the last Jezebel to have found your blog. Hope you saw my congrats on your Jez page. :)

    I like the name Sarah enough, but it is SO common among women our age. I am always turning around, thinking people are talking to me, when they’re not.

    I might warn you not to publicize your list of potential baby names, as people will be VERY honest with you and will possibly offend you (if you favor one or two) or sour you off names you really like.

  15. FourInchHeels says:

    I’ve always liked my name. It’s uncommon, but certainly not unheard of or unpronounceable. No one hears it correctly (it sounds like a few much more common names) but it doesn’t really bother me. I was 6 before I heard anyone else with my name .. and even then, it was a fairy in a movie. I loved that i wasn’t the 4th Rachel in the class, and that people could generally figure out what was going on – the right combination of interesting and easy.

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