Tonight E gave me the news that not only are we going to the semi-formal chief’s Khaki Ball in a few weeks, we’re also going to the formal Submarine Ball (or is it the Navy Ball?) in October. In the 7 years I have known him and the 4 years we’ve been married we have NEVER gone to a single Navy event, let alone one I need a fancy dress for. And since the Khaki Ball is cocktail attire and the Sub Ball is fancier, I’m going to need not one but TWO new dresses. Normally this idea would excited me – and also send me into a fit of working out, eating nothing but Slimfast, and cruising websites for discount designer attire. Instead I am freaking the heck out about how I buy a dress 4-6 weeks in advance when I’m gaining weight at roughly light-speed. The maternity store at my mall (the only maternity store in the area) has nothing resembling formalwear. It’s not prom season, and even if it was I don’t really think the slutty neon satin nightgowns that pass for prom dresses these days are appropriate for a 26 year old mother-to-be. (Not that I can’t be slutty, it’s the satin I have an aversion to.) I figure my best options are either to see what’s available in the – ugh – Women’s section of the department stores, or to find something online with a nice forgiving empire waist and a low price tag.  Since I am not Angelina Jolie and I will never look like this my choices are limited. I think the words “empire waist” are definitely my new best friends.

I tried Bluefly, but even at “40% off designer prices!!!!!” I can only afford a third of a dress. Although I kind of love this one: Cocktail dress, I need someone to slap me and remind me tent dresses are for 8 foot tall models, not chubby preggers. In a moment of weakness I decided to Google “evening gowns” and ended up on the Spiegel site. This one: Blue dress, is super cheap, would be a great color on me, and has enough stretch to forgive a few pounds, but I’m afraid it’s not dressy enough. The “ankle length” part also scares me – what shoes do I wear? I may end up ordering this one: White dress, although I can’t help but think white may not be the right color for a pale blond. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. Isn’t teen pregnancy common enough to make a site for maternity prom dresses? Pregnant girls deserve limo rides, awkward dancing, and forced socialization too.

Also, if I ever EVER consider wearing THIS I need someone to please lock me up as soon as possible. Or pretty much anything on this page. I am obviously not well.

In all my baby books, they put warnings in big letters telling you not to make any major decisions (if you can avoid it) while pregnant. Do not cut your hair. Do not sell your house. Do not get any pets. Do you think buying a boat counts as a major decision?

I’m suffering from this sudden panicky feeling that once I have a living, breathing baby outside of my womb my life is OVER and I will never have fun again. People keep asking me when I plan to trade my convertible for a sensible car, or even worse, a minivan. My parents use to tease that I cost them their catamaran, since once I came along there wasn’t time for sailing. At least I think they were teasing. I’ve been looking at pre-baby vacations, but with E’s crazy work schedule we’ll be lucky if he gets Christmas off this year, let alone a whole extra week between now and April. Plus this moody, irrational, crazy person occupying my body would probably get arrested if I tried to fly anywhere. What do you mean peanuts cost $5? You won’t like me when I’m hungry. Give me snacks!!!!!! So I’m trying to convince E that if we just took the money we would have spent on a vacation and put it towards a boat, it would be like going on vacation every weekend. It sounds totally reasonable to me, but at the moment I am a poor judge of “reasonable”. I can see why adding an extra expense would be less than responsible* but somehow that seems like a minor inconvenience compared to how awesome having a boat would be.

*Especially since I sent my boss as email today suggesting he consider looking for a replacement, as I don’t plan to stay forever. I may also have suggested he not leave me passive-agressive notes unless he wants to train a new person without my help. Morning sickness makes me cranky.