The worst phrase in the English language

“Post-baby bod”

Those three (two? two and a half?) words make me want to throw up. Especially if I have just eaten an entire bag of Skittles and or a whole apple pie. US Weekly just sent me an email about how Ashley Simpson “revealed” her post-natal figure at a concert last night in NYC. I am ashamed to admit, I looked at the pictures, but all Ashley revealed was that it was effing cold in the Northeast this week and a large coat was in order. I thought this kind of judging only took place in the tabloid world of actresses and models, but now I’m afraid it’s become common place even among us regular folks.

There is a lovely woman in the Navy wives’ group I’m a part of who had a beautiful baby girl about a month ago. She actually made it to the November meeting only three days after having a C-section (she said the drugs were AWESOME) but last night was the first time I’ve ever seen her not pregnant. Not only did she look happy, glowy and well rested, she was wearing regular pants. ONE MONTH out of her pregnancy and she can fit in her jeans. One month INTO my pregnancy I was already wearing maternity pants. Then everyone started talking about how much weight they gained with their babies and I got even more depressed. One woman said she only gained nine pounds with her daughter, making her highest weight ever 119 pounds. I said I gained nine pounds yesterday. The tone of  the conversation was “Good for you, brand new mom, for not being one of those women who lets themselves go after a baby!” as opposed to “Wow, some people are just genetically blessed, aren’t they?”

I started this pregnancy only 5 or 6 pounds technically overweight, but about 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. I’m screwed all around. My “post-baby bod” is going to be pretty much the same as my during-baby bod, except instead of being happy when people ask if I’m pregnant I’ll be pissed off. I cannot begin to explain the weird and unhealthy relationships I’ve had with food over the years and how soul-suckingly time consuming it is for me to lose weight. My only hope is that keeping my Y membership active and breastfeeding regularly will make enough of a dent in my very extended waistline that I can avoid the serious medical consequences of being overweight permanently.

Now I’m off to try these pregnancy workout DVDs I ordered, although avoiding all social interaction for the next year might be easier.

8 Responses to “The worst phrase in the English language”

  1. Other Erin says:

    I have two thoughts for you (and a third comment):

    A) In my best celeb sighting ever, I saw Julia Roberts about 3 months after she had her third kid. Since I am blissfully ignorant of celeb gossip, I had no idea and asked the waitress if she was expecting a baby since she had a serious bump. So, if the highest paid actress in the world takes 3+ months to regain her figure, I think you could take 5-6 and still feel good about it.

    B) My mom put on 50lbs with EACH of her children. While she waited a LONG time to take it off, she did it fairly easily with the South Beach Diet without really exercising (which should help with the time issue). And you’ve met my mom – if she can do it, I know you’ll be ok.

    C) Your 119lb friend must be lying. I can’t really picture a woman that small growing a baby. Then again I can’t really picture only weighing 110lbs unless she’s like 4’10”. (And knowing my luck she reads this blog and will see me calling her a liar).

  2. sarrible says:

    Since your son will initially lack the hand-eye coordination necessary to spend 14 hours a day playing World of Warcraft, he’ll have to spend at least a year or two running around like a tiny blond madman and trying to ride Brutus. And you’ll have to chase him. That’s loads of exercise right there.

    And from my brief time at the tabloid that shall not be named, I can tell you (exclusively!) that many, many famous lady stars are known to wear two pairs of Spanx when going out after having babies. Don’t believe your eyes; those women are all fucking liars. Even Posh. Especially Posh.

  3. lalaland13 says:

    You might want to read my blog entry about Angelina Jolie’s infant being criticized for “baby after body,” then.

    Self-promotion aside, this is all bullshit. I don’t know why women tear each other down like this. And even if you do gain weight that’s hard to get rid of, well, you just gave birth to a human being. So I think it’s worth it.

    And I’ve seen your pic and think you are adorable. So there.

    And I’m also very tempted, when I see this “BODY AFTER BABY!” screaming headlines, to say “Well, she popped a kid out of her ladyflower. That is a good way to lose weight, you are right. Ohh, I should try that!”

  4. AGreenEyeDevil says:

    The baby weight dynamic is yet one more avenue where society has turned women into pursuing a wicked game of one-ups-manship. I totally agree w/Erin, people lie about this all the time! If you’re healthy and the baby is healthy that’s the most important thing, any weight that’s still around can be dealt w/through diet and exercise. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Tune them out and enjoy your baby experience!!

  5. h_a_l says:

    @ lalaland: LOL – I always hate that in those weight lose stories they show “before” pics of them 8 mos pregnant. I mean really THERE’S ANOTHER HUMAN BEING GROWING INSIDE HER!!!

    I say: go with what is healthy and makes you happy. I’ve been eating like a madwoman and a total stranger to the gym since I found out I was pregnant. I feel you on the not fitting into my jeans when I was one month preggo i said goodbye to my favorite skinny jeans. I went straight for leggings in month 2. But guess what, as long as my Dr thinks my weight is okay and I’m not putting my baby in danger of gestational diabetes or anything like that, then you know what, I am NOT going to deny myself mint choc. chip ice cream with reeses pieces mixed into it!

    Related: when i first found out I was pregnant I was getting my hair cut, and the woman having her hair done next to me was probably about 7 mos pregnant and talking about how she was worried about gestational diabetes so she only allowed herself “1/2 an apple” a day as her something sweet and was really watching her diet. I though – oh shit I’m screwed and asked my Dr. about it, since I’d been hitting the sweets pretty heavily. She told me, obvs, healthy food is best but not to worry about eating ice cream and chocolate, as long as I’m getting a balanced diet otherwise and not totally binging on sweets and fast food.

    Also: if I’m going the next 6 + months w/ out alcohol, sushi and pot, you KNOW I’m substituting those things with cupcakes!!

  6. I gotta agree with h_a_l–as long as it’s not a health risk, eat and enjoy it. I always felt like pregnancy was the one time you can guiltlessly indulge, without any judgment from others. This whole skinny pregnancy/instantly slim after giving birth bullshit is just another way for the media, the diet industry and assholes in general to make women feel bad about themselves. Fuck ’em!

  7. Other Erin says:


    I like your philosophy on making up for other things with cupcakes. I have a friend for who I am convinced 80% of the reason she doesn’t have kids yet is that she likes drinking and smoking pot too much to give it up for a year.

  8. Erin (i dont have a fake name :( ) says:

    Don’t worry, I love you so much my friend, that i’ll be right beside through your whole pregnancy and mine to one-up you pound for pound! That’s what best friends are for :)

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