First of all, that is not the appropriate way to wear shoes, even weird sock-shoes with rubber treads on the bottom. They’re supposed to make walking around EASIER and somehow they just don’t look like that’s what they’re doing.

Second of all, I would be happy to put some clothes on you – since it’s JANUARY IN CONNECTICUT – if you would just hold still for the thirty seconds it takes me to get an outfit out of the basket. This pretending you’re going to sit quietly only to disappear completely as soon as my back is turned is getting old. I also don’t appreciate being kicking in the boob while trying to put on your pants. Treat your food with a little more respect.

Finally, whiskey tango foxtrot on the foxtroting BINKY?! NOW you’re ready for one? NOW you want to chew on something besides my nipples? NOW, when most moms are trying to take the binkies away? Hells no, child.

Oh ok. You can keep that one. For now.