This past Tuesday I took a blissfully child-free trip to Target. I wandered the aisles. I browsed. I picked out all the best clearance Valentine’s Day candy without any grubby little fingers grabbing at it. I spent a good hour and a half filling my cart with the kind of useless, pretty things that make Target the Best Place To Shop Ever.

Half way through the cashier ringing up my purchase, I realized my wallet wasn’t in my bag.

SHIT.

I blushed and apologized and died of embarrassment and swore to the cashier four thousand times that I’m sure it was just in my car and I would be RIGHT BACK, OK? PLEASE DON’T PUT ALL MY STUFF AWAY.

So I went on a hunt for my wallet. It wasn’t in the car. It wasn’t at Guest Service. It wasn’t in the parking lot. I called home – E said it wasn’t on the counter. I drove back to the doctor’s office where I had been just before Target. The nice nurses looked everywhere but we couldn’t find it.

It’s a big wallet. It’s also bright red. It’s always been really hard to misplace and isn’t the sort of thing you drop without noticing. Now I was PANICKED. The stuff in there is IRREPLACEABLE. How am I going to find the time to get a new driver’s license with two kids to drag around? I can’t see a doctor without my military ID (it’s my insurance card) and I can’t get a NEW military ID unless I can get on base which I can’t do without a military ID. IT’S AN ENDLESS CIRCLE OF HORROR. Not to mention the credit cards, my social security card, my membership cards at the aquarium and seaport and the four hundred rewards cards to various stores. For some reason I was oddly worried about those. How will I ever replace my Gymboree Rewards card? MY LIFE IS OVER.

I drove all the way home on the brink of tears. Once I saw the empty counter and realized my wallet was good and really, truly missing I lost it. Sob sob sob. Hopeless despair. E finally realized I wasn’t going to just pull it together and got up to help me look. WHATEVER  HUSBAND. IT’S LOST. FOREVERRRRRRRR. There’s really no point in going to look in the car because…

Oh, hey. Lookit there. It was under the passenger seat. It must have fallen out of my bag and slid back to where I couldn’t see it while I was driving. Oopsies.

I drove back to Target and collected my cart o’stuff, most of which suddenly seemed stupid and silly and not worth buying but at this point I was too embarrassed to put anything back. In fact, I threw in a couple extra things from the check-out lane to, I don’t know, make up for being such a moron. Because somehow in my head three packs of gum and a chapstick is what it costs Target to leave my cart between two check-out counters for 45 minutes.

Yesterday I did all our meal planning and went to Stop & Shop to buy $200 worth of groceries. Half way through the checker ringing up my purchase, I realized my wallet wasn’t in my bag.

SHIT.

I panicked. I blushed and apologized and died of embarrassment. I told her to finish putting all my stuff in my reusable bags and I would be RIGHT BACK with my wallet, swearsies. No, really, I have money! I can afford these things! I am not some sort of crazy person who just likes putting things in a cart for the hell of it!

I checked the cart. I checked the parking lot. I drove home. I checked the driveway and the back porch and the counter. I started to freak out. AGAIN, UNIVERSE? REALLY?

I yelled at E “I lost my wallet AGAIN! I just left a whole cart of groceries with the cashier and she thinks I’m a crazy person. Can you believe it? TWICE in one week!”

E looked at me and said “Did you even check the car?”

Guess where my wallet was.