Warning: Attack Baby

Did you know a baby could kick your ass? Apparently Mother Nature didn’t think it was enough to give human infants adorable good looks and that intoxicating baby smell to ensure their survival – she also have them ridiculous baby strength, super sharp teeth and claws.

With his ridiculous baby strength, Baby Evan can smack you in the face hard enough to make your eyes water, pinch you until you scream, and headbutt your shins leaving big ugly bruises. He also thinks it’s really funny to hold the back door shut when you’ve just run out to the car…in the snow…in your slippers to find his favorite toy of the week. Then he laughs evilly while you try to inch the door open a tiny bit at a time so you don’t knock him on his head. Because despite the ridiculous baby strength, their heads bleed A LOT when they get cracked open. Trust.

With his super sharp teeth, Baby Evan bit me on Saturday hard enough to break the skin. Through a shirt. I’m going to have a scar. FROM A BABY BITE. How’s that for the least sexy injury ever? That’s almost as embarrassing as the scar my sister has on her knee from the time she was attacked by a vicious goose.

With his claws, Baby Evan can scratch your face off, although luckily he spends most of his time trying to scratch his own face off. Just don’t try to trim them. Even when he ripped off half his toenail and smeared blood all over the house like he was auditioning for the set decorator job on Dexter he screamed at me for trying to cut the other nine nails. He’s like a badger, clawing and squirming and your only hope is to sneak up on him while he’s sleeping. And never in the history of baby care has anyone gotten a baby’s nails so even and so short that they couldn’t still scratch your cornea if threatened. BAM welcome to a total lack of depth perception.

So don’t let their cute little hands and adorable baby teeth and toddling fool you. Never turn your back on a baby.

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4 Responses to “Warning: Attack Baby”

  1. Erin says:

    Funny! See!!! I told you birds were evil!!! (and fish!!!) That’s right, I read that whole blog and I got out of it “OH MY GOD!!! SCARING BIRD BITES!!!!”

  2. Amy says:

    Mia has a habit of pinching the back of my arm while nursing. I think it’s comforting to her, but it REALLY HURTS. I make sure and wear a thick sweatshirt whenever I am home.

  3. sarrible says:

    So what you’re saying is, your baby is actually a chimpanzee.

  4. Jill says:


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