Goodbye twenties hello minivan,
Look out thirties I’m becoming my old man,
The keys are in my pocket,
I got the title in my hand
Goodbye twenties Hello minivan.
-Sterling Waters

Although I’m still technically only 28, the news we were going to soon be a family of 4 + one stupidly large dog was the final straw towards minvandom. While it was quite inconvenient and generally a huge pain in the ass to own only one car-seat compatible vehicle with one baby, it’s virtually impossible with two. Unless, of course, I plan to take both kids with me every single place I go for the next 10 years or so. NO THANK YOU. So down to the dealership we went to look at reasonable, grown up options, which ended up being…not so bad.

Still, someone please tell me how I’m supposed to give this up without being heartbroken:

Oh hai guise. Why yes I do have eight cylinders and a leather interior, thanks for noticing.

DO YOU SEE THAT BUMPERSTICKER???? Best gift ever from my friend E.W. She had it made special just for me, since I used to shout "take your top off!!!!" at convertible drivers. I'm classy like that.

The Mustang was my 23rd birthday present to myself from my wonderful husband and the car I dreamed of owning since I was 15. It was like going from being the timpani player in the marching band to head cheerleader overnight, with a really great tan and cool sunglasses thrown in. I swear it even made me look thinner.

The truth is I haven’t driven “my” car in more than a year, besides once or twice to the grocery store, and even then all I could think about was how inconvenient it was for buying giant boxes of diapers and value sized Swiffer refills. E drives it to work while I drive “his” Jeep, a car I like but never loved. I needed something new.

E had dreams of crew-cab trucks and full-loaded sedans when we first headed out car shopping. Navigation systems! Tow packages! Two-tone leather (which was one of the absolute UGLIEST things I had ever seen but he seemed to love)! But all it took was 30 seconds in a minivan – Fourteen cup holders! Room for the dog! Surprisingly good gas mileage! Extended warranty! – to realize it was practically inescapable. So it’s not glamorous or sexy or sporty. I’ll never pull up to a light and have the guy next to me try to race. I don’t even think anyone’s going to mistake me for the “hot babysitter”, despite what the minivan manufacturers might claim in their commercials.

But, dudes, I love my minivan.

2008 Dodge Grand Caravan - ironicly, almost the exact car I learned to drive in. Just 19 years newer.

Both side doors and the tailgate open at the touch of a button - lots of buttons in fact. On the key fob, near the rearview mirror, or right inside the doors. I never have to slam anything ever again. American car companies really GET my epic level of laziness.

Look at that storage! That giant stroller used to take up the entire back of the Jeep. I can fit a double stroller in there no problem. Or a dead body. Just sayin'.

DO YOU SEE THAT SPACE? And not only do all the seats fold down, they totally fold down into the floor so the whole back is flat and open. E fit a full sized chest freezer in the back and still had room for the car seat. No more struggle to make the groceries fit.

I was actually sitting in the car for the test drive when I said "The only thing I hate about minivans is that the back windows don't go down so on long car trips you feel like you're trapped in a tube." AND THEN THE WINDOWS WENT DOWN. SOLD.

I’m actually a little sorry now for people who don’t have minivans. Suckers.