A List Of 3rd Pregnancy Complaints, In Alphabetical Order, While I Can Still Remember What That Means #epicwhiningahead

1. Exhaustion – My current nap schedule rivals that of a 3 month old, which makes sense because I’ve had something sucking all the energy out of my body for the past 3 months. I feel like I have one of those video-game life bars over my head that never gets above about 50% and usually hovers around 10. Just enough that I am not ACTUALLY asleep or dead, but not enough to handle reaching over there to put on the bra I took off at 9 am when someone knocks on the door. I will say having a 4 1/2 year old is very handy in this situation, since he thinks fetching things for me is the Best Game Ever and will bring me food/drinks/the remote/a blanket and pillow for another nap. But I’m still not putting that bra back on.

2. Feelings – The combination of the holidays + Caroline turning 3 + pregnancy means I’m basically 20 seconds away from sobbing at any given moment. I cry during Match.com commercials, which are the lowest form of emotional string-pulling currently on TV. I cry reading Buzzfeed roundups. I get myself worked into screaming rage fits over comments on the internet that have absolutely nothing to do with me in ANY WAY. Listening to the radio in the car is a game of sobbing roulette, just waiting for a sad song or an NPR story about poverty of any variety. If someone were to be kind to me in public (putting my shopping cart away, holding a door, not giving me dirty looks when Evan yells “FARTS” in public) I would become inconsolable within seconds and probably scare them out of ever being kind to a stranger again.

3. Hugeness – I am starting this pregnancy at a higher weight than my first two (I ate a lot of feelings over the past year) and it is not very pleasant. I don’t know if any of my maternity clothes are going to fit (I can’t find them) and I KNOW none of my bras do. I’m not going to have an adorable bump or take cutesy maternity photos or impress anyone with my pregnancy style – if I make it 9 months without splitting my pants in public I will consider it a win. My doctor is not concerned (or at least has the tact not to point out it was stupid to get pregnant before I got back in shape because IT’S TOO LATE NOW) and I have plans to keep attending my gym and stay as active as I can…but I am not one of those people who gains 6 pounds and leaves the hospital in her skinny jeans. I do not plan to beat myself up over it (again TOO LATE NOW) but it sort of…sucks.

4. Morning Sickness – I should go back and reread post from both previous babies, since I am guessing I did have medium-to-disruptive morning sickness with them and have just blocked it out. I DEFINITELY remember that after I had Caroline it never really, truly went away – if I brush my teeth in the morning while still half-asleep I almost always gag myself. My current schedule goes like this: wake up, try not to move any more than necessary until I can get to the bathroom, throw up nothing for a while, feel like crap, eat something around noon, eat something around 2 pm, eat something around 4 pm, start feeling crappy again, try not to throw up until I go to bed. If I’m still awake at midnight it starts over again with the eating. I crave spicy food but am scared to eat it too much because that is an unfortunate choice when it comes back up. I’m not in danger of dehydration and it’s not bad enough for medication but it does feel like it’s going to last forever. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.

5. Slightly overwhelmed and/or terrified – Three children is a lot of children. Outnumbered. Zone defense. We’re out of bedrooms and easily accessible seats in the van. I haven’t really thought much about the reality of three kids, since I haven’t fully convinced myself this one is real. (Sidebar that should probably be a whole post: It’s amazing how much one extremely early loss has changed my belief in pregnancy. I had no problem announcing I was pregnant the second I got a line on the stick the first two times because I had no experience with anything but a full-term outcome. Now I have a hard time believing I’ll ever get a baby out of this, despite the fact that everything is totally fine so far. I can’t imagine how much worse that feeling/worry is for someone whose suffered multiple losses or false positives.) But since it’s already 2014 I’m going to have to think of the details of adding a 3rd baby soonish. My current plan is bunks for the current gingers in Caroline’s room with the front bedroom as a nursery. It will give me an excuse to paint it something other than the VERY blue I chose for Evan (we’re not going to find out what this one is) and buy bunk beds, which is something my childhood heart has always wanted.

I really like lists and this I will blog lots of lists from now on. Coming soon: lists of things I am convinced are wrong with me, lists of stuff I need to replace for this baby because mine are broken/gone and I cannot live without them, and lists of lists. Also the story of how my 4 year old lost his first tooth due to a face-smashing. Maybe bunk beds aren’t a terrific idea.

I started this blog for Baby Evan, my original bebeh, so EVERY POST for the first 12 months was related to growing him, feeding him, caring for him and loving him. There were a few posts that had more to do with my own life or opinions, but I would argue that everything that’s gone in my life in the last 24 months* was directly influenced by his presence. No scrapbook in the WORLD is as detailed as this blog is when it comes to recording every single magical poop filled moment of a child’s life.

And now I am 12 weeks pregnant. OMG. 12 weeks pregnant means I am in my second trimester with Sandy and I’ve written about it less than half a dozen times. I have no tag for “first trimester”. Most days I barely have time to think about being pregnant, let alone dwell on it. When people ask me “So how are you feeling?” I stare at them kind of blankly for a minute until I remember they’re asking due to my knocked-upped-ness. I haven’t bought a single baby item or browsed a single website for nursery inspiration. I don’t even know if we’re going to do a nursery this time – we know we like co-sleeping for at least 6 months so why disturb our guest room? I haven’t made a giant list of names or sat super still for hours wondering if I was feeling baby flutters or just gas (seriously, I totally still can’t tell) or planned a baby shower** or bought a baby book or taped the ultrasound pic to the fridge (I don’t even know where I PUT it) or…or…or anything. Most of the time I think I’ve imagined the whole thing and I should start packing up these unused maternity clothes to put them in the attic.

I would add I’m doing a BETTER job of a lot of things this time around – I’m eating much healthier for one. After everyone’s suggestions on what to feed Baby Evan I’ve started keeping a lot more fruit in the house and yesterday I ate my body weight in berries. With Baby Evan the only thing I ate my weight in was french fries. (The fact that I’ve had minimal morning sickness this time helps immensely.) I’m staying active, and by active I mean “going to Stroller Strides regularly and running after Baby Evan all day”, not “buying a prenatal yoga DVD I do twice before I start fast forwarding to the part at the end where we focus on relaxing, i.e. lying down”. I have officially gained zero pounds so far and I no longer think I’m destined to exceed last pregnancy’s highest number. I am reading a totally different set of books, reading a different set of message boards, asking a different set of questions, all of which mean I will be better prepared for birth and the super-important moments immediately afterward. Sandy is going to have a lot of advantages thanks to my been-there-done-that knowledge – if I don’t simply forget to go into labor because Baby Evan just said “Luv you mama!” for the first time or is throwing a screaming temper tantrum in the mall or because it’s freakin’ CHRISTMAS and I am WAY too busy to stop and push out a watermelon baby.

I fear at this rate, my (imaginary future) third child is destined to star in it’s very own episode of I Didn’t Even Know I Was Pregnant.

*Proof I am indeed pregnant: I had to use both my fingers AND a calculator to figure out what 9ish months of pregnancy plus 14ish months of life totaled.

**I’m going to have a baby party instead of a shower, hosted by myself, with a cake and punch and decorations but no presents. I might not be spending as much time dwelling on this pregnancy but I want Sandy to know s/he was just as worthy of a party as Baby Evan.***

***Which I’m pretty sure proves I’m not doing quite as badly as I think I am.