My Baby Has A Drinking Problem

7 Symptoms You May Have a Dependency Issue (from

1. Neglect of other Activities: Besides pooping and sleeping, drinking is all you do. You seem uninterested in any of the very fancy infant development toys we bought,  you don’t participate in our conversations and you haven’t gotten a single Final Jeopardy question right all week.

2. Excessive Use: Today you drank at noon, 1 pm, 1:15 pm, and 1:40 pm – and that was just lunch.

3. Impaired control: You crap your pants, throw up on everything and can’t even keep your head up. You fall over just from trying to sit – and don’t get me started on standing. You’re a mess Baby. Literally.

4. Persistence of Use: I’ve heard you plan to drink for at least 6 more months and you refused my offer to send you to rehab.

5. Large Amounts of Time Spent in Drinking Related Activities: When you’re not drinking you’re often practicing your sucking skills on a pacifier or even our fingers. You often get confused and attempt to drink from Daddy. I assure you that will not end well.

6. Withdrawal: The screaming. Oh the screaming.

7. Tolerance: You’re up to at least 4 oz a session and sometimes you even come back for the other side. You’ve gained more than a pound in the last week and your legs have doubled in size. Haven’t you ever heard of Marlon Brando?

No Responses to “My Baby Has A Drinking Problem”

  1. afteriris says:

    Brilliant. You are one funny mama!

  2. sarrible says:

    I want more pictures of the fat little drunk!

  3. lalaland13 says:

    I love this, because you’re so darn funny. But if you want to ever supplement him with some formula, the universe will not explode, and he will not have to ride the special bus. I promise. You’re doing great. Does he look at your boobs longingly sometimes? That would weird me out a teensy bit, I must admit. Like “What? It’s not dinnertime, you jerk!”

  4. AGreenEyeDevil says:

    You’re priceless, keep up the good work!

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