Momphemisms. Like euphemisms, for moms? What, aren’t bloggers allowed to make up words anymore?
Dressed, verb. “I got dressed today!” = Yoga pants and sweatshirt.
Dressed up, verb. “I made sure I dressed up for the PTA meeting.” = Clean yoga pants and sweatshirt plus a bra.
Free play, noun. “Oh I encourage lots of free play during the day. It’s so good for their imaginations.” = Letting your kid destroy the house so you can have 20 minutes of peace.
Baby, noun. “I have two babies, they’re 24 and 30.” = Any child, at any age, ever.
Preschool, noun. “Hello, school district? Can you tell me about my preschool options for my baby? What do you mean they can’t start until they’re FOUR? = Anywhere you send your kid from ages 0 to 6 that feeds them a snack and involves any sort of circle time.
Clean, adjective. “Yes, my house is clean.” = All the part of my house you are going to see are clean. Just don’t open any doors.
Lunch, noun. “Kids, come in here, it’s time for lunch!” = Any variety of edible items put on a plate, bowl, bag, cup or floor offered between the hours of 10 am and 3 pm.
Educational toy, noun. “We only buy educational toys for our children.” = ALL TOYS.
Tired, adjective. “I’m pretty tired after the day I had with the kids.” = So exhausted you should not legally be allowed to drive/operate heavy machinery/use the stove.
Fun, adjective or noun. “Yes honey, pretending to be a horsey while you kick me in the ribs is super fun!” = The things we do for our children.
Romance, noun. “You have to make time for romance in your life, even after you have kids.” = Watching The Office and drinking wine.
Vacation, noun. “I need a vacation.” = DEAR GOD PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE WATCH THESE CHILDREN FOR FIVE MINUTES.
We had a really “fun” day yesterday so I’m pretty “tired”. You can do better – add them in the comments!