Momphemisms

Momphemisms. Like euphemisms, for moms? What, aren’t bloggers allowed to make up words anymore?

momphemisms

Dressed, verb. “I got dressed today!” = Yoga pants and sweatshirt.

Dressed up, verb. “I made sure I dressed up for the PTA meeting.” = Clean yoga pants and sweatshirt plus a bra.

Free play, noun. “Oh I encourage lots of free play during the day. It’s so good for their imaginations.” = Letting your kid destroy the house so you can have 20 minutes of peace.

Baby, noun. “I have two babies, they’re 24 and 30.” = Any child, at any age, ever.

Preschool, noun. “Hello, school district? Can you tell me about my preschool options for my baby? What do you mean they can’t start until they’re FOUR? = Anywhere you send your kid from ages 0 to 6 that feeds them a snack and involves any sort of circle time.

Clean, adjective. “Yes, my house is clean.” = All the part of my house you are going to see are clean. Just don’t open any doors.

Lunch, noun. “Kids, come in here, it’s time for lunch!” = Any variety of edible items put on a plate, bowl, bag, cup or floor offered between the hours of 10 am and 3 pm.

Educational toy, noun. “We only buy educational toys for our children.” = ALL TOYS.

Tired, adjective. “I’m pretty tired after the day I had with the kids.” = So exhausted you should not legally be allowed to drive/operate heavy machinery/use the stove.

Fun, adjective or noun. “Yes honey, pretending to be a horsey while you kick me in the ribs is super fun!” = The things we do for our children.

Romance, noun. “You have to make time for romance in your life, even after you have kids.” = Watching The Office and drinking wine.

Vacation, noun. “I need a vacation.” = DEAR GOD PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE WATCH THESE CHILDREN FOR FIVE MINUTES.

We had a really “fun” day yesterday so I’m pretty “tired”. You can do better – add them in the comments!

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9 Responses to “Momphemisms”

  1. MommaExpat says:

    Love this. Restaurant (noun) = We went out for dinner last night = We met your dad at the mall and had the French equivalent of Burger King for dinner. It made me almost vomit.

  2. Kirsten says:

    Natural immunity: “I think it’s really important for children to build up their own natural immunity to germs, it makes them stronger and less susceptible to catching colds” = You can’t possibly expect me to add cleaning to the long list of joys that motherhood brings. I say ‘joys’. I mean chores.

  3. Sex (noun): “Hey honey, since the kids are in bed, let’s rekindle our sex life!” = Maybe I’ll scratch your back for a minute, then we’ll both be out cold.

  4. Jennie says:

    Dressed (verb)- “Oh! Hey buddy! You dressed yourself.” = The beyond potty trained toddler/preschooler is riding a scooter in a t-shirt (Just a t-shirt).

  5. Free play, clean, and lunch are all pretty descriptive of my house.

  6. tricia says:

    baby-led weaning (verb): “We practice baby-led weaning with our baby, so no mushy baby food for little Fred, please!” = Giving my kid ripped up pieces of whatever crap I’m eating is WAY easier than trying to shovel baby food that I’ll have to make into his mouth. I”m lazy.

    cosleeping (verb): “Little Sturgill cosleeps with us because we are attachment parents!” = I would rather punch myself in the face than get out of bed to go get the baby out of the crib to nurse him, so I’ll plug my boob into his mouth and go back to sleep while he bellies up to the bar.

    playdate (noun): “We had a wonderful playdate with our friends at their house today, and all the kids had a great time frolicking!” = The moms sat around and talked crap about the skinny mom on Instagram that has had 8 kids in 3 years and still manages to bake pies from scratch and sew her kids clothing from vintage fabric; the kids trashed the room to which they were relegated and probably hit one another while stealing toys repeatedly.

  7. Running Errands: verb “Kids and I are running errands”= kids and I are trying to get through too many things on a list, too many bribes, and I am definitely driving thru somewhere for a coke or coffee.

  8. Lexi DuVal says:

    “Yeah honey, Im Almost there” verb- jumping around in the bathroom with a flat iron in one hand and a shoe in the other trying to make yourself look presentable with a small human (humans) pulling at your skirt screaming about how their big brother stole their juice/blanket/favorite toy, and hoping you don’t have to drive like a mad woman in order to get there any more than fashionably late.

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