1, A Crime Story: Once there was a woman traveling with two small children. Her greatest fear was rest stop bathroom lines, since small children often do not alert you to their potty emergencies until the chance of getting pee on one’s self is at threat level red. The woman never asked to cut in line or skip ahead, but when it came her turn to use a stall with her two small children she made sure all three of them used the facilities to prevent stopping again 5 minutes down the road when someone who insisted they did NOT need to potty suddenly realized they DID need to potty. One day, at a busy rest stop in Maryland, a lady dared to glare at the woman and mutter “Ugh, FINALLY” when the woman emerged from a tiny, tiny stall dragging two kids. And then the woman murdered that lady with her mind. The end.

2, An Important Lesson: This one time, at my mom’s house, I was too lazy to get my toothbrush out of the car so I figured I could just rinse my mouth with the fancy mouthwash she keeps in a glass decanter next to the sink. This turned out to be a terrible, terrible choice, since I’m pretty sure whatever was in that decanter was NOT mouthwash. I don’t even want to think about what it was, but I can still taste it 24 hours later.

3, An Art Film: Girl gets up at 5 am to photograph beautiful sunrise. Girl realizes 5 am is REALLY FRICKING EARLY and hits snooze until at least 5:45. Girl finally gets out of bed, into a kayak and heads out to take some pictures. Girl notices totally perfect family of swans that appear to have been ordered from central casting specifically to make her pictures even more amazing. Girl takes photos of swans with her zoom lens until she realizes she can’t focus on them anymore because there are 5 giant swans charging at her through the water. Girl panics, tosses camera into the kayak and paddles as fast as she can away from the vicious swans. Girl realizes this is a sign 5 am is stupid and sleeps in the rest of her vacation.

4, A Comedy:
Idiot: Hey, let’s take my iPhone out to the float and take some pictures of you jumping off! It has a waterproof case, it will be fine!
Kid: OK!
Idiot: *Jumps in the water* OK, now can you hand me my phone?
Kid: OK! Here Mommy, catch! *throws phone into water*
Idiot: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *scrambles frantically to catch phone as it sinks into 9 feet of water*

Postlude: The idiot caught it before it sank and immediately took it back to shore, where everyone laughs at her. IDIOT.

5. A Sappy Movie: I pretty much have the best parents ever. A lake house for us and the kids, amazing child-watching skills, super generous, and generally just really fun to be around. My 16 year old self certainly didn’t think I won the parent-lottery, but my 31 year old self knows I did.

Tags: family, funny, kids, motherhood, road trip, summer, vacation