Dear Diary,

It’s been 5 months since that horrible day when I was dragged kicking and screaming from my nice, soft, warm home into this crazy ass place. Those first few weeks were rough. After 9 months of nothing but muffled sounds (Except for the time That Woman decided to play music directly into my head. She seemed to think my kicking in protest was “cute” and we were “bonding”. I’ll show her bonding) I’m suddenly living with LOUD NOISES 24 hours a day. Do these people EVER turn off the television? At least they aren’t making me watch that crap on Boggin or Noggin or whatever the other babies have to watch. Thanks to That Woman’s game show habit I know a Libman Wonder Mop goes for $10 and R S T L N E never help much in the bonus round. Too bad none of that keeps me from crapping my pants.

On the up side every day is an all you can eat buffet. Sometimes I go back for a snack less than an hour after a meal just because it’s so delicious. This is probably why I weigh almost 19 lbs. I have to say the service could use some improvement though – That Woman spends more time typing on her laptop or flipping through channels than cooing over my ridiculous adorableness. Helloooooo! I’m making tiny mewing noises and patting you on the face. Don’t make me use these nails your too lazy and chicken to trim to get your attention.

Put down the damn camera and pay attention to meeeeeee!

I FINALLY worked out these hand things. They seem really useful! I can shove toys in my mouth, hit That Woman when I need her attention, shove burp cloths in my mouth, pet the dog or the cat, shove cords and electronics in my mouth, pull stuff that was previously out of my reach towards me and then…shove it in my mouth. It also prevents people from doing things like THIS:

NOT FUNNY GUYS!

I can also use them to push myself over when That Woman puts me on my stomach, although I’ve just started using them to roll the other way too. I’ve hypothesized that if I can go front-to-back-back-to-front enough times I might be able to leave the room with the TV and see the rest of the house on my own. Lord knows these people I live with are too lazy to get off the couch.

At least my personality seems to be appreciated. Laughing and smiling gets me almost anything I want. I even heard That Woman promise me a pony a few days ago. If she thinks I’ll forget just because can’t talk yet she is MISTAKEN. I’m so happy most of the time no one even complains when I crap myself, although sometimes they are a little slow to get me into new pants and I have to wail a little. More good news: I’ve almost got this spitting up thing under control and only puke normal amounts at predictable times. I am almost fit for public places!

You doubt my cuteness?

All these new skills I’ve learned keep me too busy for napping anymore, so to make up for it I’ve started sleeping 12 hours at night. My Darling Father puts me to bed every night and if he’s not there I wake up every 2 hours hoping he will show up. That Woman doesn’t like those nights, but it’s not my fault she can’t do it right.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’ve been here for 5 months already. I grow so fast the clothes I’m wearing in the morning might not fit me by the afternoon. My face has changed a lot too and people say I look more like That Woman than my Darling Father. Unfortunate, but true. I’m trying to grow some hair now because the bald head and toothlessness makes me look like a 90-year-old man instead of an infant. See?

I got this here tattoo back in my Navy days

My plans for the next few months include crawling, walking, talking, growing teeth and total world domination. Well Diary, I’ll check in again soon but right now it’s time for an after-after-breakfast-early-before-lunch snack.

XOXOX
Evan III

P.S. I wish they’d knock it off with that Baby Evan stuff. Call me Trey, Trip, E-3, ANYTHING except for Baby. You think it’s soooo cute now but how’s a guy gonna get a date when he’s five?