You have to imagine a lollipop stuck through the card so it looks like it’s in his hand. It makes more sense that way.

XOXO Interwebs. You’ll always be my real Valentine.

I finally scheduled a doctor’s appointment to get referrals – one for the scary mole on the back of my arm and one for the scary shouting I can’t seem to control. The appointment was at 9 am on a Thursday at the military healthcare building. On Wednesday, I realized my car didn’t have updated stickers and I couldn’t get on base without stickers.

I went to get new stickers.

I couldn’t get stickers because my ID had just expired, so the guy gave me a temporary pass to get to the ID office.

I went to get my ID.

I couldn’t get a new ID because my sponsor – my husband – has to be with me OR I needed a power of attorney OR he needed to come in and fill out a form.

I called my husband.

No, he couldn’t come. No, he had to be at work. No, he couldn’t do it on his lunch break. No, he couldn’t do it tonight. No, there is no way it could be done before my appointment tomorrow.

I started to cry.

“FINE!” I screamed into the phone, “I hope your job is REAL HAPPY when your wife goes FUCKING CRAZY because you couldn’t take TWO MINUTES to come sign a piece of paper. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.” I hung up.

No stickers, no ID, no form, no appointment. No no no no no no no no no.

I watched the kids run back and forth in the grass outside the building and wondered if I was just imagining going crazy or if it was something that was actually happening. It was 55 degrees in January, after all. Maybe this wasn’t real life.

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 The next day I was really embarrassed about my temper tantrum, just like I always am. I calmly rescheduled my appointment and couldn’t figure out why it had felt SO URGENT only a few hours before. I should just stop overreacting and calm down. There’s no reason to be so angry. Good mothers don’t shout so much. I told myself I just suck at everything and need to get over it. Just like I said the time before, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that… I kept my appointment.

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I talked to my doctor for a long time on Tuesday and filled out her questionnaires as honestly as possible. She said it sounded like anxiety – which I was just calling OVERREACTING TO ALL THE THINGS – with mild depression. I don’t know if it’s technically postpartum anything but when the doctor said “It’s OK, you’re not imagining things, I can help” I felt better than I have in months.

I took my first tiny Zoloft pill last Tuesday. I am still not sure how I feel about it. I am still not sure that it’s working. But I AM sure talking to my doctor was the right thing to do because she even recommended me to check this list of things that can help me in my troubled journey. I can’t believe I waited so long. I can’t believe I still feel so reluctant to share this. In my online life I know so many women who have dealt with or are fighting  or have overcome postpartum depression or anxiety or OCD or some other form of baby-related hormonal brain disease. Some days I wondered if I was crazy for NOT having postpartum depression. And then when things started to feel out of control I wondered if I was just exaggerating so I could fit in. Oh look, another mommy blogger on medication. What a cliche. Doesn’t she know Dooce already did that? It’s so 2009. Besides, my “baby” is 13 months old – didn’t my ticket to postpartum mental disorder town expire in December?

Although I know the internet is FULL of support, in my real life things like this are Not Talked About. The only person I’ve ever heard mention PPD was the sad, weepy, exhausted mom at breastfeeding support group who was so obviously depressed I wanted to bundle her into my car and drive her to a therapist myself. I’ve never felt like that. No one has ever said “You look like you’re struggling.” My husband has never taken the baby away from me and suggested I talk to someone.  I think my family is going to be really surprised to read this. I’m worried what they’re going to think. But hopefully soon, I won’t have to worry so much about what I think.

Wooooooooooo Date Night!!! My super old husband turned 32 yesterday. I get to call him super old until I turn 30, so it’s a good thing I’m only 22.

We celebrated in style with a little birthday music:

A super delicious carrot cake:

Swear to God, the best cake I've ever baked - and it was from a box and made with applesauce instead of oil.

I managed to light all 32 candles with only one minor thumb burn:

Plus we only burned one tiny hole in the tablecloth!

Then we put the kids to bed, left our babysitter on the couch with the remote and hit Mohegan Sun. It’s handy that we have two of the biggest casinos in the world right down the street.

E's yearly cigar, one of the many cool light fixtures, Leffingwells Bar

Fake sky over Leffingwells

Indoor river, riding the elevator, ceiling over the craps table

You know how people throw coins in fountains for good luck? At casinos, they throw CASH.

We brought home hats "for the kids", Birthday Krispy Kremes, my handsome husband

Terrible cell phone photos are what happen when you're too embarrassed to take a real picture at home in front of the 19 year old babysitter.

Sparkly top: Dress Barn (I’m not even ashamed, they have cute shirts)
Jeggings: Nordstrom Rack
Ridiculous platform heels: Charlotte Russe
Earrings: I don’t remember and it doesn’t really matter since you can’t see them.
Clutch: Ditto the earrings

We lost, of course, because that’s what you do at casinos but it was SO GOOD to be out and doing adult-type things without having to wipe anyone’s nose or mouth or butt. We chatted with grown-ups about things other than our kids. We made angry faces at the douche-canoes who sat down in the middle of our blackjack shoe (because we’re so fancy and worldly we know that’s poor manners). The kids slept the entire time and didn’t even know we ditched them. Let’s do it again soon!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband and Happy Sunday to you!

It was a good week! We had a lot of adventures, made some progress in the sleep department (going to bed at 9 pm helps), and it’s ending with cake and a date for E’s birthday.

Sunday:

I bought some Jason Wu at Target - one of these days I might even WEAR it

Lazy toddler is lazy

I brought my knitting to a Super Bowl party. I'm so cool.

Monday:

15 Weight Watcher's points. Totally worth it.

I am amazed at how quickly she fell in love with this seahorse

I'd call her a genius artist, but she keeps trying to draw with the wrong end.

Birthday crafting has begun! I got all 45 flags made this week.

Tuesday:

Beeyotch, don't be lookin' at my grapes.

Car naps FTW

Nice healthy dinner, until I ate like FIVE portions.

Wednesday:

Still having mixed feelings about gymnastics

Oh hey, whatcha got? Can I see it? Can I can I?

Adorable toddler photo opp ruined by my lazy housekeeping

Thursday:

Library turtle! Meaning a turtle at the library, not some sort of special species

The entire top floor of our town library is for kids. I feel like a total idiot for not going sooner.

Library train table. I'm surprised I EVER got Evan to leave.

I'd actually been in bed for at least half an hour when I took this. My life is so exciting.

Friday:

Evan and T sharing a hiding spot

Smug elevator face

This look is called "The Lazy Mother's Smock"

Sometimes, everyone gets along

Saturday:

I'd like to speak to a manager about this restaurant - there's a weird guy lurking in the corner

Someone was a little confused about whose birthday it actually is

Do I LOOK like I'm enjoying this, Mother?

I am a wee bit overexcited about tonight, because E and I are going OUT with NO KIDS because I found a baby sitter. We’re actually paying her an obscene amount of money to just be in the house – we’re not leaving until we put the kids to bed so they won’t even know we’re gone. It’s too bad we don’t live in the 1950’s when we could have just locked the door and told the neighbor to call the fire department if it looked like the house was burning down. Then we could afford to play a few more hands of blackjack tonight. Child endangerment what?

Did you take any camera phone photos this week? Link up with one or lots using the linky below and grab the code (so it shows on your blog too!) over at Amy’s . It’s really fun!

I sort of can’t believe that after 33 months of posts – and only 2 more to go – I completely forgot Evan’s 34th monthday. Just totally let it blow right by without even a thought. I’ve had no trouble adjusting to writing 2012 on everything but admitting it’s February? Forget about it. At least it was just a monthday and not an actual birthday I missed. Like my husband’s. Which is on Saturday. Oh crap.

I think by blocking the date out of my head I was subconsciously avoiding trying to write this post. 34 month old Evan is pretty much the same as 33 month Evan which will probably be the same as 35 month Evan. This isn’t an age with big, exciting milestones to celebrate and check off and compare to other kids. This is an age of subtleties and new emotions and suddenly realizing my kid is drinking from a real cup and helping watch his sister at the playground and sitting quietly while we wait for an appointment. Yesterday in the car he said “My trains are right here, Mommy, all my trains” and I realized he has just used a personal pronoun correctly, twice. I’m not sure I’m ready for pronouns to replace all the Mommys and Evans and Daddys and Sisters. I can’t even pretend he’s a baby anymore. No matter how hard I squeeze him he just keeps on growing.

We are in the midst of a bedtime/naptime renegotiation, where he NEEDS a nap or he ends up falling asleep on the floor but if he DOES take a nap he won’t go to bed without hours of delays and then wakes up at 4 am, turns on all our lights and insists it’s morning. Even though we skipped naps on Tuesday, he tried that TWICE Wednesday night – once at midnight, once at 3 am and I ended up lying in his bed for an hour listening to him protest how NOT SLEEPY he was until he drifted off. I’ve been around the parenting block enough times now to know this is A Phase and like all Phases it will change before I can really do anything about it – but I’m still considering a door lock for his room.

When it comes to The Tantrums, a few parenting books are on their way to my door thanks to the magic of two-day shipping with a trip to the library on the agenda for tomorrow. I also took a more proactive approach and signed both kids up for weekly gymnastics. At the first class, Little Evan ran around like a wild monkey and then cried his eyes out when it was time to go home. At our second class, he ran around like a wild monkey, attempted a cartwheel, learned to do a somersault, swung on the high bar, waiting his turn, jumped in the foam pit, threw a Frisbee through a hoop, and cried his eyes out when it was time to go home. How many classes do I think it will take before he participates in warm up, jumps off the trampoline, learns to vault and DOESN’T cry when we leave? I have no idea but I’m willing to keep taking him until it happens. STRUCTURE is the name of the game, folks.

Speaking of structure, Evan heard some of the girls at Stroller Strides talking about school and now he keeps asking when he gets to go. “Evan go school too Mommy! See friends, see teacher, see trains. Bye-bye Mommy! See-ya later!” I guess I can’t keep putting off a decision for much longer, not unless I want to crush his dreams of backpacks and new friends and access to crayons that haven’t been chewed up by a certain small ginger toddler. I wrote “call preschool  at the church for a tour” on my to-do list today and if I like them I’m going to call it good and sign him up. I decided to stop stressing SO MUCH about preschool. We’re talking about circle time and finger painting here, not choosing between Ivy League colleges. As long as they don’t believe in corporal punishment or include a unit on Zenu our benevolent overlord I don’t think I need to spend so much energy on researching every single option withing a 60 mile radius.

I would like to sum up 34 months in a short, catchy way but honestly there is TOO MUCH of EVERYTHING to even try.

Likes include carrots, lollipops, trains, chips, dinosaurs, books, being carried, running, sitting in my lap, not sitting in my lap, Daddy, babies, friends, his blankie, milk, sleeping, Mickey Mouse, iPads, singing, the alphabet, helicopters, dogs, kitties, and the aquarium.

Dislikes include really loud noises, waiting his turn, riding in the shopping cart, sharing, and being forced to use the potty when he’d rather be playing even when he REALLY REALLY has to go.

I swear he's getting MORE gingery by the day

I have to put his dinosaurs to bed before he'll take a nap

Night night Mommy! Get out Evan's room!

34 Month Milestones (from BabyCenter, as usual)

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Names one color – His favorite colors are orange, pink and purple, but he still gets the rest of them mixed up a lot. Still on my list of stuff to ask about at his 36 month check-up.
• Names one friend – He cried yesterday because he didn’t get to see his friends, all of whom he can name.
• Carries on a simple conversation – Yes, although sometimes I have NO idea what he’s talking about.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Alternates feet going up and down stairs – Yes, although he fell the other day and is now being SUPER cautious on the back steps.
• Uses prepositions (e.g., on, in, over) – His new favorite joke is talking about all the places he is not going to put his poop. No poop in tub! No poop on baby! No poop on dog! No poop under couch! Ahahahahaha!
• Speaks clearly most of the time (75 percent can be understood) – I don’t think the PERCENTAGE is getting any better, but he’s using a lot more words. Other people can understand him about 50% of the time, but it’s more like 90% for me.
• Stacks eight blocks – FOURTEEN BLOCKS. BOOM.

Evan & friends built (and knocked down) this tower over and over for 10 minutes.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Is toilet trained during the day – Still yes. Next step is to get him to stay dry during naps.
• Wiggles thumb – Yes, but he’s about as good at giving a thumbs up as my cat is.
• Expresses a wide range of emotions – SO MANY EMOTIONS
• Draws a stick figure – Still no, but he’s started declaring his scribbles are things. Mostly dinosaurs.