A baby woke me up at 1 am last night, but it wasn’t the one who has a name and a face and a crib. It was a baby who is still just a fuzzy outline on a black and white print out, a heartbeat over the monitor, a life so new it can’t survive without me. It was my girl, my daughter, barely even half way here but already making herself known. I can finally feel the kicks and twists and jabs the ultrasound tech could see so clearly on her screen, the Kung Fu moves every pregnant woman anxiously longs for even as we make Alien references and complain about the punches to the bladder. They’re the closest thing to a voice our babies get, saying “I’m here! I’m living! Wait for me!”

They call this time The Quickening, a term I’ve always loved, which refers to the quickening of the baby’s movements from the slow, floaty flutters of a peanut sized fetus to flippy-floppy real-baby-sized twitches.  But for me it also refers to the quickening of time, the realization I am 20 weeks into a 40 week adventure, with 140 days (give or take) to go before I am a mother. A mother again. A mother some more. A mother of two.

The reality of that hasn’t even begun to sink in. I haven’t pulled the boxes of tiny gowns and onesies out to sort through and wash. I haven’t dog-eared the pages of my Ikea catalog with must haves for a new nursery. I don’t have a plan or a name or a calendar full of baby-prep classes. I just have a wish in my heart for her to be healthy and happy and whole, to come into our lives smiling and dancing, like I know she’s doing now in the warm comfort of my womb.

The truth is, none of the preparations matter. Having a crib doesn’t bring you a baby. Buying stuff doesn’t make you a mother. It’s a lesson every first time parent learns a few months too late, after the registry and the shower and the four hundred baby items crowding up your rooms. The fact that a parent cannot love a child with things is one of the fairest truths in this world – a millionaire has no advantage over me, nor do I rank over someone who lives in a mud hut and sleeps on the floor. All that matters is love and caring and patience and understanding, the kind of trial-by-fire lessons you only learn at 2 am when you’re totally failing and ready to give up and admit to anyone who asks that you must be the worst mother in the history of the world so would they please help you return this baby?

Oh, I have learned those lessons.

So for every week I forget to take a bump picture, for every day I don’t paint a nursery, for every kick I don’t take a moment to savor, I am sorry Baby Girl. But don’t be sad. I’ve kept all that love – the love-as-stuff, the love-as-money, the love-as-things – in my heart, where it grows right along with you, a little more every day.

Baby, I’m here. I’m waiting. I love you.

Signs you are no longer cool or hip or happening or whatever those crazy kids are calling it these days and are instead just plain OLD:

1. You drive a minivan.
2.You drive a minivan into a city you used to be terrified of driving in.
3. You think $7 for valet parking is a great deal, especially because it means you don’t have to PARK a minivan in a city you used to be terrified of driving in.
4. You have to eat a First Dinner at 5 pm because Real Dinner isn’t scheduled until 8 pm.
5. You are totally baffled by the fact that people don’t go “out” until after 11:30. What are they doing until then?!
6. You don’t know all the words to Ke$ha’s Tik Tok.
7. You had to look up both the name “Ke$ha” and what that song was called. And had to double check it twice because is there really a dollar sign in that child’s name?
8. You buy a round of shots (and a Diet Coke) for $27 and can’t believe you were ever too poor to buy your own drinks.
9. You think all the guys look like douchebags and can’t understand what they’re wearing.
10. Your feet hurt even in flats.
11. YOU ARE 5 MONTHS PREGNANT.
12. You stab people with your car keys to get them out of your way when you want to leave.
13. You leave by midnight.
14. You wake up the next morning hung over – even though you didn’t drink any alcohol.
15. You can’t wait to get home to see your husband and baby.

OK, so this isn’t technically a BABY shower or in any way baby related – at least I don’t think it is, unless the bride Has Something to Tell Us – but I’m still SUPER excited about all the cute stuff I found in planning the decorations and favors for my friend Erin’s bridal shower. If I was at all capable of sticking to a budget I would seriously consider going to event planner school (is that a thing?) or just printing up a bunch of business cards and begging people to let me plan their parties. But, alas, I am incapable of not going WILDLY OVERBOARD with adorable things I find on Etsy and would get fired immediately when I spent twice what I was allowed.

Man, I love Etsy. Hardcore love. I think I’ll marry it and get it pregnant.

P.S. Erin, if you want to be surprised on Saturday, LOOK AWAY! Although if you secretly hate the color pink and think butterflies are tacky and break out in hives when in the same room as tiny soap, it would probably be best to check out the post below and prepare yourself.

Clockwise from top left:
1. Shower invites from Tiny Prints
2. Two yards of fabric from JoAnn’s that I’m going to hem for a tablecloth (although this still isn’t done as of 11 pm on Thursday)
3. LESS THAN HALF of my milkglass collection I’m going to fill with pink/blue flowers as a centerpiece
4. Thank you notes (that match my colors!) from Target

Clockwise from top left:
1. ABSOFREAKINLUTELY ADORABLE print from Hugs & Kisses Designs (done by my friend Becca). She usually makes those with baby info but I forced convinced her to make a wedding one! Part decor, part gift. Uh, that WAS supposed to be a surprise. Oh well.
2. Prizes for the guests who win the shower games (which will NOT include wrapping anyone in toilet paper) – wrapping paper from Target, actual gifts are from Bath & Body Works
3. Mini soaps to be given out as favors from BLCBodyShop. She custom wrapped them in my colors and printed “A sunny future starts with a shower” without even once laughing at my corniness. They are coconut lime scented. I did not eat any. Yet.
4. Tiny paper butterflies to perch on the edges of all the guests’ glasses from byemma. I saw these and spent at least 30 minutes looking for a tutorial on how to make my own before I realized they were so inexpensive I couldn’t even buy the paper cheaply enough to make it worthwhile to do-it-myself. I LURVE THEM.

P.S. Do YOU have an Etsy shop? Please let me know. Unless you are Emily, because I have already called dibs on everything in her shop, so don’t even THINK about buying any of those clippies or dresses.

Comment #9 is Ashley! You get first pick on which colors you want! There were actually a couple of Ashley’s, so if you get an email from me then you are the RIGHT Ashley today.

And comment #43 is Brittany! You get whatever Ashley doesn’t want! But don’t worry, they’re all cute :)

Ladies, I will be mailing your prizes to you on Monday so be sure to email me back your info. Thanks so much for entering everyone. Remember, if you want to buy your own, you can still get 20% off by entering the code BEBEHBLOG at checkout.