On the cover of the June 1st People magazine, Bristol Palin is holding her baby above the words “If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody.”  Well, that’s half way true – but it requires everyone to go ahead and have one baby. You think you’re scared of getting pregnant but you have NO IDEA. The thought of having to care for TWO babies is scarier than any you’ll-have-to-drop-out-of-school-and-work-at-McDonald’s-and-it-will-make-your-mother-and-Baby-Jesus-cry abstinence talk EVER. There is a strict 100% pants-on rule in effect at my house. Using three different forms of birth control seems not quite safe enough. I doubt I’d even sit in a hot tub with E right now because I heard that’s how my best friend’s cousin’s uncle’s girlfriend got pregnant. WITH TRIPLETS.

I think E has adjusted to life with baby pretty well – although to tell you the truth, it hasn’t really affected his favorite activities. He’s just added Baby Evan.

Eating…with baby

Watching tv…with baby

Napping…with baby

Playing Rockband…with baby

And of course, fighting internet dragons (aka World of Warcraft)…with baby

In honor of Baby Evan’s birthday, here’s sixty-three seconds of adorable.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJfwhjZpcBs]

And in honor of Memorial Day (because…Memorial Day honors our military and E’s in the Navy and the Navy has boats too…what?! It’s totally a connection!) here’s the baby on the boat:

Sorry that’s not more exciting, so far the baby has only been AWAKE on the boat for about thirty seconds and I’m too scared of accidentally dropping him overboard to take him out of the car seat.

Hey, did you know babies are kind of time consuming? Throw in laundry, cooking, and attempting to keep the dog-hair-tumbleweeds from getting larger than the dog and there isn’t that much time for blogging. If I tried to update daily it would be like this:
Monday – The baby was extra hungry today and needed to eat every hour. I’m really tired.
Tuesday – The baby threw up a lot today. I’m really really tired.
Wednesday – The baby was really awake today and wanted to be entertained. I’m really really really tired.
Thursday – Hey, have I mentioned that I’M TIRED?
Friday – Oh thank God E can take the baby today. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

As tired as I am, I realized yesterday if I was like the millions of women in America who can only take 6 weeks of maternity leave, I would already be back at work. I don’t know how those women can do it. (Duh, because the have to. Please Google “maternity leave laws” and be horrified) The baby doesn’t sleep at night. He isn’t any closer to being on a schedule today than the day he came home. He still needs to eat every 2-3 hours. He doesn’t understand the concept of “I’m leaving at 7 am so I need to be showered and puke free at 6:55”. Breastfeeding would go from the easiest, fastest way to calm and feed the baby to a huge ordeal with pumps and bags and tiny coolers to carry around. And my baby still hates the bottle, so the thought of leaving him to fight and thrash and scream at someone four times a day actually makes my breasts ache. Don’t even start with how hard finding a safe, licensed, nearby, affordable daycare that has a opening for an infant. I would probably end up leaving the baby with my 80 year old chain-smoking neighbor in exchange for refilling her vodka supply and consider myself super lucky.

As much as I’d hate to spend 8+ hours a day away from the baby (He laughed today! I’d be really sad to hear about that from a daycare worker) I think the worst part would be trying to do a job – ANY job – while so exhausted I can’t even remember if I brushed my teeth today. Or yesterday. Or at all since I got home from the hospital. I’m so pissy the thought of having to be polite or customer servicey is just laughable.

“Good Morning, thank you for calling Real Estate Office, how can I help you?” “Hi, I’d like to know the price of that house? On the road? By the tree? You know, the big one?” “ARE YOU A MORON? What kind of idiot question is that?! I don’t have time for this crap!!!”
“Hey Suzanne, can you help me with the printer? It’s not working.” “DO I LOOK LIKE THE PRINTER REPAIR MAN?? Why do you think I can help? I didn’t go to printer college, I’m just NOT RETARDED.”
“Excuse me, is this your file on the copy machine?” ****hysterical sobbing****

I know I am incredibly lucky to be able to choose to stay home. I’m even luckier that choosing to stay home doesn’t come with a compromise like no health insurance or giving up the car. It is starting to push our financial situation a little bit but for now using my clothesline on sunny days is “quaint” rather than “if we use the dryer one more time today we’ll have to unplug the refrigerator.” Right now I’m going to go save some electricity by turning all the lights off and going to sleep. I love Fridays.

Now that I have a baby, I have a teeny tiny bit more sympathy for Bad Parents. People who scream at their children in the candy isle at Stop & Shop, the woman who smacks her kid after he shoves a rack of clothes over at Macy’s, even the guy who leaves a baby in the hot car while he runs into the gas station for “just a minute”. No, those things aren’t OK. And clearly child abuse has NO excuse, ever. But now while I’m saying “Shame on you Bad Parent!” I’m also thinking “Oh, man, I’m totally four hours sleep and a candy bar away from being where you are.”

Actually, I may be closer than I think – Can someone PLEASE tell me how I to handle a shopping cart AND a baby? If I leave the baby in the cart while I’m loading groceries, I’m worried it could roll away or some crazy driver might hit it or a baby-snatcher might snatch my adorable baby. But if I put the car seat in the back seat first, I have to leave the baby in the car while I return I cart. I guess I could be the person who just leaves the cart in the parking space but I HATE those people. For now, I’ve decided the car is the safest place for the baby and I just lock the doors for the fifteen seconds it takes to out the cart back, but I’m probably just one shopping trip away from being scolded by the 70 year old women who already think I’m a Bad Parent because a)I’m out of the house, b) my baby doesn’t have a hat and c) I’m buying Diet Coke. Yes, people have commented on ALL THOSE THINGS.