Last night, I learned a new skill: breastfeeding while in the bathroom. Everyone else was asleep and removing my boob from the baby’s mouth caused ear-splitting, child abuse levels of screaming so I didn’t really have a choice. I guess the other option was to just pee on the couch, but I’m pretty sure Baby Evan has the furniture-wetting covered on his own. He might get jealous if I stole his thunder.

Stretch!!! He still doesn’t know those arms and legs are attached to his body, which leads to a lot of very humorous self-punching in the face.
Hey Dad, what’s up?
I’m trying to smile because I’m crapping through my diaper, not because I’m happy to see you.
Hmmm…what can I throw up on from this angle?

Two weeks old. Don’t let him fool you, he only spends .01% of the time being this cute and quiet.
My very own morning, afternoon and midnight snack. NOM NOM NOM.
Does it make me a bad person if I say my baby looks kind of like Gollum in this picture? A very cute Gollum.

I wish I had more pictures of Baby Evan wearing tiny, adorable outfits but we don’t even bother to dress him any more. I’m already doing two loads of laundry a day between burp cloths, changing pad covers, blankets and my own milk and baby pee covered clothes – there is no point in adding 4 or 5 onesies to that pile. Once the weather warms up we’ll go outside, where clothes are slightly less optional, and I’ll have even cuter pictures.

The time stamps on my posts just get curiouser and curiouser. Today is Baby Evan’s two week birthday but he decided to celebrate last night instead by demanding food CONSTANTLY between the hours of 5 and 10 pm. Food from my boob, not the bottle. EVEN THOUGH THE FOOD IN THE BOTTLE IS BREAST MILK. He’s all “What kind of shenanigans are these woman? This is different! I don’t know HOW it’s different but it is! Waaaaaaaaaah!” I think he was just punishing me for leaving the house not once but twice without him. How dare I go to Home Depot and pick out a faucet? Babies don’t need faucets!

The up side of the marathon 5 hour feeding was he slept for almost 6 hours last night. I actually woke up because I was no longer tired instead of because Evan was screaming. The down side is all that nursing triggered my milk production reflex in a huge way and now my boobs are back to being hugely, painfully swollen. I guess I’ll pump some of it to add to my stash in the freezer but it’s not like he’s going to drink it since once it goes through the pump it is AWFUL AND DISGUSTING. (Aside: My breast milk freezer bags say “My Mommy’s Milk” on them, which led E to say “Well who else’s breast milk would you have in the freezer????”)

Have I mentioned that my baby is clearly a genius? He can already hold his head up – the better to smash you in the nose with while you burp him – and spends his waking time staring at people, lights and loud things instead of gazing into space. Right now he has fallen asleep curled up between my stomach and the Boppy pillow with one little fist shoved into his cheek. I am desperately thirsty, my leg is falling asleep, my chest feels like it might explode, I can’t reach the remote so I’m watching a Celebrity Slim Down infomercial and yet I cannot bring myself to move in any way and disturb Evan. I love him so so much.

Things I bought:
1. Diapers and wipes
2. Nursing cover
3. Birth announcements

Things I DID need:
1. Mycelon gas drops – one dose of these led to my 6 hours of sleep
2. Gentle baby wash – You’d be surprised how quickly Baby gets sticky

If you are pregnant or know someone who is, go here and buy one of these nursing covers. Now that I’ve got the hang of breastfeeding I no longer need my quiet, relaxing, pillow lined corner and would rather get out of the house. And although my boobs are practically public property at this point, I’d like to avoid fights with the Decency Police. The last thing I need while feeding the baby is a lecture about how seeing my nipple has scarred darling little Bobby for life. Think of the children!! Luckily, the nursing covers on Etsy are super cute and about $10 cheaper than the fancy ones with the highest reviews. Plus this way you get a one-of-a-kind pattern instead of risking showing up at the playground with the same cover as another mom. Think of the scandal! You’d be shunned from Mommy and Me forever.

7 Symptoms You May Have a Dependency Issue (from About.com):

1. Neglect of other Activities: Besides pooping and sleeping, drinking is all you do. You seem uninterested in any of the very fancy infant development toys we bought,  you don’t participate in our conversations and you haven’t gotten a single Final Jeopardy question right all week.

2. Excessive Use: Today you drank at noon, 1 pm, 1:15 pm, and 1:40 pm – and that was just lunch.

3. Impaired control: You crap your pants, throw up on everything and can’t even keep your head up. You fall over just from trying to sit – and don’t get me started on standing. You’re a mess Baby. Literally.

4. Persistence of Use: I’ve heard you plan to drink for at least 6 more months and you refused my offer to send you to rehab.

5. Large Amounts of Time Spent in Drinking Related Activities: When you’re not drinking you’re often practicing your sucking skills on a pacifier or even our fingers. You often get confused and attempt to drink from Daddy. I assure you that will not end well.

6. Withdrawal: The screaming. Oh the screaming.

7. Tolerance: You’re up to at least 4 oz a session and sometimes you even come back for the other side. You’ve gained more than a pound in the last week and your legs have doubled in size. Haven’t you ever heard of Marlon Brando?