All newborn babies look pretty much the same. At least most Caucasian babies do. They’re all kind of squished and chubby and squinty and pink. Unless Evan is very awake and making adorable baby faces he is practically indistinguishable from any other 3 week old child, girl or boy. Several times while looking at baby products and/or advertisements online I’ve thought “Hey, when did Evan pose for that photo?!” until I remembered it’s very unlikely he’s been sneaking out to work on his modeling career. Before you call me a lousy mother, I’m not saying I couldn’t pick my baby out of a line-up. I’m just saying I doubt anyone else could.

The most consistent advice anywhere about how to handle having a newborn is: Sleep when the baby sleeps. Let me tell you, that is total crap.

If I slept every time the baby slept I’d be getting like 18 hours of sleep a day. None of it would be very restful though, since his naps only last 2-3 hours. I’d never get a shower or a meal or change my clothes. The worst part is losing those blocks of time. When I sleep, breastfeed, sleep, breastfeed, sleep, etc. I end up feeling like a dairy cow. It’s actually more refreshing to spend a couple hours watching Law & Order, doing some laundry or making brownies instead of  just checking out. It breaks the cycle.

Also, sleep is supposed to help increase your milk production, something I am NOT in favor of. I almost blinded the baby this morning when I unhooked my bra and the milk actually squirted 6 inches right into his eye. I could have saved myself the $30 I spent on that breast pump and just “manually expressed” my milk into bottles since my boobs are apparently capable of expressing themselves.

Maybe I just have a baby that sleeps more than normal and I should STFU for a few more weeks. I hear that’s when colic usually hits. Since I was the most horrible, colicky child ever I feel the universe is bound to punish me.