I rode my bike to work today. We’ve had horrible storms for two days but this morning was bright and sunny with low humidity and a breeze. Perfect bike riding weather. But now it is over 80 and breathingfeels like inhaling dirty water. Plus I’m frickin hungry and I don’t feel like dodging the idiot drivers who can’t understand that I’m allowed to use their roads.

I really thought once you were in a “delicate condition” you were allowed to pass on physical activity. Isn’t lying on the couch eating ice cream expected of pregnant women? The next 7 1/2 months will be the last time in my entire life I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself. Who would take that away from me?

The taker in question is a magazine, Fit Pregancy. I got a copy from my OB-GYN and made the mistake of reading it. At first I was just fascinated by the ads. No shoes, bags, shampoo, designers or diamonds here. Just cribs, diapers and Desitin. The idea that once a woman was pregnant she would still need anything besides baby gear is foreign to this magazine.

Something that is exactly the same as regular women’s magazines are the models. What kind of freaks are these people? They look like they just shoved a pillow under their clothes and claimed to be knocked up. Even the ones in bikinis or crop tops have perfect glowing bellies, without scars, moles or stretch marks. They’re all happily frolicking in designer clothes and high heels, with their tiny toothpick arms holding $2000 bags or organic flax and wheatgerm smoothies. COME ON. I am growing a person inside me. It’s pretty much the most special, beautiful, magical, feminine thing someone can do. And you want to make me feel bad about how I look while I do it?

They don’t settle for just implying I’m somehow not attractive enough to be pregnant. They also want me to know that if I do give up riding my bike or start skipping the gym in favor of House reruns, I’m going to kill my baby. Ok, probably not kill exactly, but harm definitely. My baby could be preterm and have a low birth weight! I could get gestational diabetes! I could cause my baby to grow extra fat cells, causing it to be obese later in life! They managed to scare me enough to continue the bike riding.  I’m generally a pretty active person (just one who loves food) so I don’t think it’s going to be a real strain for me. I just dislike being bullied into it.

Fit Pregnancy also wants me to know that exercising now will help me get my body back after baby! Because as soon as you give birth you’re just fat.

I woke up this morning with huge boobs and an earache. The boobs are kind of nice, although I wasn’t really lacking in the cleavage department before. I’m going to need some new bras to keep my chests from escaping. The earache is the same pain I had two weeks ago. Last time the doctor said it was an ear infection and gave me antibiotics. I’ve never heard of chronic ear pain as a symptom of pregnancy, but I can’t see any other reason. No ear infections for 26 years and then two in three weeks? Although I am completely willing to trade a few earaches for the morning sickness I have so far avoided. Got that baby? You can have my ear if you don’t make me puke. And thanks for the boobs.